what i actually hear

7.10.2009

Wish Mail

I want to find a wishing well and make a suit of armor from the coins.

Not only am I very interested in finding out what the armor class is, but even if it can't stop bullets I bet it would be useful in a fight. Not just because I could pay off really cheap thugs, but because I could point at a quarter in my suit and say,

"Do you know what this is?"

"This is your wife."

"She wishes you were dead."

6.24.2009

You Need A Shot Of Vitamin T

Network Admins Are Too Skinny Nowadays

I love survival shows like Man vs. Wild and Survivorman. I know some people complain that Man vs. Wild is staged, but it's also honestly educational and entertaining. Survivorman may not be staged, but that's the reason why it always looks like Les Stroud is about to die. Horribly. I can't help but imagine that every time he goes into his back yard, a killer vampire moose is going to jump out and start raping him with its antlers.

So, anyways, I had the privilege of spending six hours freezing to death in a colocation facility on Monday, just recovering from multiple hard drive failure, which basically meant that I spent the entire time going totally bugnuts and thinking about the six hours of survival shows I'd watched the day before. It eventually got to the point where I was wandering around the rows of servers, looking for a fat network administrator to kill so I could weather the lengthy support calls to various manufacturers within his meaty corpse.

Of course, everyone who wandered by was slender. Those bastards. I don't think they even had the common decency to bulk up with a quarter pounder before coming to fix their machines. By the end of the visit I couldn't feel my fingers, the hard drives were still dead, and there were a bunch of annoyingly alive network administrators doing their work.

I guess you can't win 'em all.

6.09.2009

Bullet Brothers

So I once shot this guy. I did it so that he would shoot me back, and then we could be bullet brothers and wear the bullets we shot each other with on necklaces. I'm not sure which bullet was supposed to go on each necklace, but we had it planned out and it was totally awesome because he had a soldering iron and those little ball things that you use to rotate your blinds.

Anyways, it didn't work out. Horrible tragedy.

Point is, I still don't have a kickass necklace, and I also don't even have the little ball things anymore, because I was right after his sister at the funeral. She was all BAWW BAWW and making that weird scrunched-up face thing, where her mouth was really big and her eyes were all squinty, and she made that weird crying "omg hairball... omg hairball" jerking motion. Then she put some car keys or something on his grave.

So I went up, and I thought the grave-leaving thing was like panhandling for the dead, so I told the story of bullet brothers and then left the ball chainy things on the grave, and whatever I tried to go over to his house that night for dinner like I always did and his whole family just sat around not saying anything. I went upstairs and watched porn on his computer but then his mom told me to leave and since then every time I call their house they tell me that nobody's home.