Breaking News: PSYOP Gives Me Seizures, Nightmares, Priapism

While there are times when I am unhappy with the way things are going, I am nevertheless almost jingoistically proud to be an American. From the Founding Fathers to the rise of American Capitalism, our country is so full of fantastic innovations and moral triumphs that I can't help but get all weepy at the patriotic hymns.

Sometimes, you don't want to be all weepy. There are moments for pensive reflection and there are moments when you want to be ten thousand feet tall, monstrously aroused, and capable of beating people up by hitting them with other people. And when you want that kind of sensation to be derived from your home country's status as the globally dominant superpower, you need look no further than PSYOP, our psychological warfare branch.

Recent events being too, well, recent to speak out about, let us make absolutely sure that one thing is clear - even when we are horribly wrong about something, we will still scare the shit out of someone. During the Vietnam War, we thought the Vietnamese were superstitious about the symbol of the spade - so we mass produced the Ace of Spades, jammed them in the mouths of assassinated Viet Cong leaders, and left them en masse all over the forests. Mission accomplished. I bet they're scared to death of the thing now.

We're big on the sound thing - we put loudspeakers on humvees and scream insults at our opponents. I should have enrolled, I swear. One of the things I can do well is improvise horrible scathing insults for long periods of time. After school one day, on the bus ride home, I vented my mild annoyance at the kid in the seat behind me for the entire half hour ride without even stopping to breathe. He was so outclassed he literally applauded me after the fact.

Intersperse those bombing runs with big, confusing fireworks. Airdrop pamphlets showing people exactly how to bend over for Uncle Sam. Right after we start a police action in a country, I think the very first thing we should do is build a McDonalds restaurant right at the point of landing. It's like Plymouth Rock, except you can supersize it.

I need to go be alone with Old Glory for a bit.