Sex Is Not The Narrative

Seriously, I don't know how anybody can get off on so-called 'literary erotica'. The romance novel, literary kindling to the fire that consumes the X chromosome, is such a tedious experience that I really just can't wrap my mind around it. But then again, you know, appealing to the Other White Gender is good for ratings and all, so here's some absolutely typical feminine style idiot wordporn.

It all begins in a place that's full of rich peoples' stuff, like shiny cars and chandeliers and tablecloths and underwear without noticeable stains. The stunning, single, and totally not fat heroine, who wakes up in the morning with full makeup and a Christian Dior formal dress is just hanging out, being all rich and stuff, when all of a sudden Lestat shows up at the door, delivering mail or something.

"ZOMG UR HAWT", said Lestat. "I AM TEH CALL JACK SPARROW NOW AND WE AM WILL WORSHIP UR HAWTNESS."

"NO THAT IS TOO MUCH TROUBLES", said the Heroine. "NEVER MIND OKAY CALL."

"WE AM NOT HAVE TAG TEAMING YOU ON TEH MINDBRAINZ CUZ WE ARE ALL TEH GENTLESMANS AND STUFFS," screamed Lestat as he rippled his bulging musculature and his shirt accidentally fell off.

"TAHTS OKAYS, I AM TEH LADY AND NEVER THINKS OF THINGS LIKES THAT," whispered the Heroine breathlessly. "EXCEPT SECRETSLY I DO ALL THE TIME."

"AND IF WE DO MENAGE A TWAT WE AM NEVER HIGH FIVE EACH OTHARS OVER UR BACK, KTHX," Lestat said intently. His piercing gaze was like smoldering embers. He stepped forward, all manly-like, while the Heroine retreated, fixing him with a lengthy, demure look.

"HAI, I AM TEH JACK SPAROW" said the Pirate, crashing through the window as he swung in on a rope affixed to god knows what.

"I AM TEH SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE NOTHING AT ALL," the Heroine concluded intelligently. She was still totally hot and not fat at all. Also, her thighs were totally silky, because they say that in every romance wordporn evar.

Some boring, lengthy foreplay began. Then there was more boring, lengthy foreplay.

"I AM TEH LOVE BORING LENGTHY FOREPLAYS," said Lestat. Or maybe the Pirate.

"DON'T INVADE ME, EXCEPT DO. KTHX," begged the Heroine.

"I AM HOLE-IN-ONE THREE STROKES UNDER PAR," said the Pirate. Erm, urgently.

"IN SOVIET RUSSIA YOU TAG-TEAM US," said Lestat.

"DO ME LIKE BIG PHARMA IS DOING AMERICA," said the Heroine.

They did. ("OW", said the Heroine.)

"KTHX, WE AM MAKING SAMMICHES IN UR KITCHEN AND LEAVING," said Them Both.

The Heroine paused to reflect, heroinically, thinking of her great love for them and how she might never see them again. She glanced at herself in the mirror. She was totally hot and not fat at all.