Comfort Not Applicable

Oh, Joolz.

Nobody wants to have sex in a tent. I mean, why? Just... why? Is it the soothing sound of vermin crawling all willy-nilly right outside the door of your cramped little temporary boudoir? Is it knowing that maybe, just maybe, there's a bear watching?

I may not be able to offer an unbiased opinion, since both sex and nature rank right up there with snorting crushed glass on my list. I don't get the concept of wanting to bang out a contract with somebody in the bathroom of an airplane, for that matter. Whatever happened to people wanting to snuff the smurf in, you know, physically conducive locations? Places where two people might actually fit? Places without rocks?

Of course, I know your first argument will probably be something along the lines of wanting to change up your sex life. Personally, I think playing around with sex merely lengthens the duration of something that's pretty darn boring in the first place. There's the whole rush, true, which is why people continue to copulate and the world population soars, but there's drastically little you can do while actually performing the act. I mean, you can watch TV, talk on the phone, or recite all the swear words you know, but unless you have a particularly permissive partner, you can't:

• Play the piano
• Go make yourself a sandwich
• Practice your golf swing
• Look for porn on the internet
• Memorize the Bill of Rights
• Plunder graves
• Purchase illicit chemicals and insufflate them
• Complete a magazine survey to determine whether or not you're a closet homosexual

In fact, most of the suggestions you see out of people trying to get more bang for their buck include such timeless offerings as: roleplaying, which is stupid without a dice bag; positional variations, which actually make sense but don't really change the tab A - slot B functionality (much); and BDSM, which is an excuse to buy more clothing and a way to get your SO into D&D. And, of course, there's having sex in unusual and uncomfortable locations, like tents, walk-in freezers, and on a moving skateboard. None of which actually sound like any fun whatsoever, more like something you do when you've got the motive but need to improvise.

Also, I am now never ever going camping with you.