The Octopus: Best Animal Ever

So, I was just thinking about the octopus and why it's so fucking great. First of all, it lives in the water, which means it has three sexy dimensions of movement all the time. Second of all, it never has to worry about getting a date, because of all the Japanese schoolgirls. Perhaps best of all, it makes a really sexy logo. I think you'll agree with me when I say that the octopus is better than getting your whole US RDA of riboflavin.

Case One: The Octopus Is A Water Ninja

Squid, which is another name for pointy octopus, have long been written about in tales of the kraken and Penthouse Letters as the sexiest pirate-killing machine ever. In the following letter, Barney Ludlow of Reese, VA writes to Hustler about his life-changing experience with the octopus:

Dear Porn Magazine People:

i totaly had an octopus here and i loved every minute of it. i was all like come on and she came over. her tentacles were sexy. i had sex with them. then she let me write this letter to you before she squeezed my neck so hard my head poped off. as u read this my body is full of all the baby octopus eggs she shit down my neck and now my corpse is next to her forever at the bottom of the ocean.

Anonymous

Also, octopodes change color faster than any other animal ever. Once, an octopus changed color in front of a chameleon, and the chameleon started crying it was so fucking beautiful. The reason nobody ever remembers if the correct plural is octopi, octopuses, or octopodes is because when you see a group of octopen coming after you it's too late to do anything but shit your pants.

Case Two: The Octopus Comes From Space

Back when mankind lived in tiny holes in the ground, the Octos Legion landed on Earth as part of Directive 16506. The original settlers decided that Earth would be an appropriate breeding ground for tasty mammals they could send to their legions fighting the great intergalactic war against the black holes. They put special octopus chemicals in humans that caused humans to bury their dead, not knowing that graveyards are actually a complex system of chutes that send bodies down into the Great Deep for the Octos to freeze-dry, lightly season, and then fire into space to feed the ever growing Octos horde. This is why octopi cry when we cremate our dead and why all tales about digging up graves are complete fucking lies.

Case Three: The Swimsuit Competition

The buffalo does not look good in a swimsuit, and when asked what one thing she would do to change the world, she just took a dump on the ground, because she is just a big dumb animal.

The swan has a penis, and wore a one-piece, and therefore was complete crap. When asked about the importance of public transportation, she turned back into Zeus and flew off to go rape some Greek women.

The sunflower looked okay in a bathing suit, but not totally hot. The announcer asked what the sunflower thinks will happen in the fast-paced world of technology, and the sunflower said that mankind will launch a vicious assault to wipe out all comets everywhere.

The octopus made my pants feel tight. When the announcer started to ask a question, the octopus popped his head off and laid a thousand of her squirming young in his chest cavity.

Winner: Octopus