So, You've Decided To Kill Yourself

Good for you. You've shirked off the horrible responsibility of living and decided to take your sniveling ass out of the genepool with a bottle of Tylenol IVs. However, just like when you went to the McDonalds' around the corner on a blind date to meet the girl of your dreams just to find out that it was a cruel joke and meanwhile your house burned down because you left your toaster on, there are a few things you should take care of beforehand, or else your entire afterlife could be spent regretting that you didn't manage to do everything you needed to do.

1. Make sure your toaster, oven, back massager, electric blanket, and radio are off. Television is okay.
2. Spellcheck your suicide letter. Nothing is more embarrassing than realizing that you told everyone you ever loved that you are about to 'comit suicide'.
3. Your loved ones, especially the hot ones, are going to need some sort of comfort to deal with your tragic death. And by comfort, I mean my phone number.
4. Those are Tylenol IVs, right? Because you can take like six bottles of normal Tylenol and absolutely nothing will happen. I once had a girlfriend that would take a bottle of Tylenol whenever she saw me, probably out of a fear that she wasn't hot enough. She never died. However, she did cry herself to sleep every night except for when I was out of town.
5. Make sure your underwear is clean. Seriously. Coroners have a hard enough job.
6. Did you make sure to go to the bathroom before your overdose? Did you?
7. Tylenol FOUR, stupid. I'm telling you, you're going to wake up with a bad taste in your mouth and absolutely no hangover at all if you go with that over-the-counter stuff.
8. Are you sure that's every hot girl you know of? What about the neighbor you watch undressing through her wide-open bedroom window every night at 7:15? She might not be able to deal. You know, with her not having a drooling, overweight audience next door. Make sure you give her details on how to contact me. Hey- selflessness is part of my nature.
9. Do you have flowers in your room? Go watch a movie involving suicide. EVERYONE who commits suicide, EVER, has flowers nearby. I think flowers subconsciously cause people to kill themselves, in a ruthless attempt to herd mankind and use their wastes as fertilizer for the brutal florid overlords. Get some flowers.
10. You idiot. Look- drink a fifth of gin and then tilt a vending machine over onto your foot. Trust me, your doctor will give you the right pills to overdose on. I'll wait. You wuss.