"Dance", Said The Coyote

Come, White Man.

Even though your ancestors destroyed us with their European ghost diseases, even though they took the heads of many braves and urinated on them in public, I will help you in your time of need.

You have come seeking enlightenment. You are at a turning point in your life, where you must listen to the wind. You have made the tribe rich with your many trips to our lodge casino. You are looking to score illegal drugs.

This is all okay. We are willing to let the ancestor spirits speak to you in return for the keys to your Nissan 350Z. The ghosts of the shamans have given their assent. They wish for me, the current shaman, to cruise down Ventura Blvd with a piece of hot white tail. They have shown me many visions of the future when I waited behind her in line for stamps at the White Man's Post Office. Their speakings must be fulfilled.

Eat the blessed fruit of the cactus. It is bitter with the realization of your guilt, your whiteness. Your mortgage debt. These things make the cactus bitter to you. To us, the Lake People, the blessed fruit tastes like Hi-C Ecto Coolers. It is your guilty white tongue which betrays you.

Do not mind. We are used to the white man vomiting on the ground. It is why we do not carpet the shamans' lodge. The fruit is too blessed to remain in your criminal albino entrails. I will call upon the squaws to remove this admission of culpability from the sacred circle.

Yes, yes my friend. You are witnessing the spirit world. Wakantanka is pleased that you have been shown mercy. I shall get an A on my spiritual report card for gifting you with this, just as you shall for blessing us with 18-inch cast aluminum alloy wheels.

What is that? No, my shameful caucasian friend. That spirit jar did not just move. Although I do agree with you, it would indeed be 'really trippy' if it had. Now listen. You must seek Coyote. Coyote, not peyote. You have already had the peyote. You must focus.

You say you see a gigantic antelope, eating the hands of a child. Yes, this may indeed be Coyote. Coyote is a trickster, and he takes many forms. The hand-eating antelope might just be one of his clever guises. Listen carefully. He may have more instructions for you.

Oh, my poor, remorseful, pale-skinned acquaintance. You do not have the ears of the People. The mystical language of Coyote is beyond your ability to comprehend. Please, repeat for me these "weird-ass noises" as best as your European tongue shall allow, and I will translate.

Yes. Yes. I understand. I will communicate to you what Coyote wants. It is a way to rinse yourself of blame that he describes. You must return to the casino. The roulette wheel shall give you the sacred numbers, which will grant you fortune when selected in Beaver Lodge Keno. You must be brave. You must be willing to dedicate the whole night to this adventure.

Remember, Early-Bird breakfast specials in Doubles Diner begins at 1 AM. Eighty seven cents, ham steak and eggs.