From The Surprised Chairman of Utopia Colony

Dear Pan Galactic Overlords and Chairpersons:

Really, thank you. I have no idea what I did to win your nomination for the Solarium Prize for Most Fantastic New Colony. I suppose it's through the hard work and dedication of my prize Ruling Board that we've managed to, if only for a brief moment, stand out above the other Colonies.

Having been born, as you know, on Beaten Slave Colony, I gained an early view into the intricate workings of law as it affects a district of the Pan Galactic Solarium. For instance, all of the beatings that were administered to us slaves. Talk about pain. When I was but 12 years old, I knew that if I ever had the opportunity to run my own dominion, I sure as hell wouldn't beat the fucking slaves. For one thing, it seems to fly in the face of morale.

And I do believe that morale is important, but it's not the only thing. When I was transferred to Nova Sentia Colony, then-chairperson Gale Strew had the brilliant concept of mandating doses of euphoria-inducing drugs in order to promote a sense of well-being. Yeah, right. I saw what kind of well-being that engendered. The work was less backbreaking than the work of my childhood, but often, entire assembly lines would turn out virtually none of the antibiotic kits which were being mass-produced. Everybody was too busy tuning out. I managed to gain several promotions in one year by virtue of being the only person to remember to attend board meetings.

The final thing I learned during my long journey was when I, the Vice President of Nova Pharma, accepted a lateral transfer to Risper Colony, where I oversaw a group of brilliant engineers who seemed obsessed with upgrading the base technological components which drive the entire Solarium. It was later that I learned that Risper's primary function is as an asylum facility for obsessive-compulsive savants, but I still managed to glean a valuable lesson- people will work with dedication and drive if you give them projects they love or care about. I guess. It might just be crazy people.

And so it is that Utopia Colony maintains its killer public opinion, perfect safety record, and fantastic production rates. And we promise to continue in the manufacture, testing, and improvement of robotic sex slaves for the entire Solarium for many years to come.