Goofus And Gallant

Derek	Teleolurian
Is suave	Washes his hair with Pert
Uses Noxzema	Showers weekly
Carries Rohypnol; shares	Carries Valium; doesn't
Is attractive; gets the ladies	Is scary; doesn't like being touched
Cooks Italian food	Cooks Italians
Has a diverse portfolio	Invests all his money in novelty backscratchers
Network Administrator	Pays hobos to urinate on the hot rail
Plays blackjack well	Plays the accordion badly
Will never leave you	Tells you he'll come over, then sleeps with your sister