He seems to be intent on feeding massive lies to the common consumer, so I have to take it upon myself as someone who knows the truth to inform everyone about the massive web of disinformation he's passing out. Let's see if we can clear up all the mistruths so that everybody can go back to minding their own business.
Lie #1: He Visited Kentucky
This is total nonsense. Derek is afraid of string ties. He once called me from a Halloween party where somebody had dressed up like the evil priest guy from The Gunslinger. He was in a closet, peeking out at the guy through the crack in the door, crying into a bra some chick gave him literally two seconds after he arrived (I don't know how he does this but I suspect he carries Rohypnol). There is no way he'd ever visit Kentucky, even though the company he works for has a massive building there, because he would have freaked out. I once ordered KFC and he had a grand mal seizure as soon as he smelled 10 out of the 11 herbs and spices.
Lie #2: He Reads Fiction
Yet another horrible lie. If you ever walk into his house, you'll notice a few things: first, that he keeps girl scouts in his garage; and second, that the only fictional books in his house are those New Ager books by guys named Rajesh that tell you to do things like "focus your chakra" and "visualize your chi". I have a vague suspicion that these books are actually literary pornography. I mean, I remember the last time I focused my chakra, and it was in this bar where you had to do it up against the door in the bathroom because there aren't any doorknobs.
Knowing this, it's bizarre that he would give you details that are the exact opposite of anything he would do ever. Trust me, the only "teen fiction" he knows anything about is listening to little girls tell him they're past the age of consent. On the other hand, he would totally read a book about antimatter, because this one time I didn't see him leave his bedroom for a week, and when I got bored and accidentally burst in I saw him building something I swear was an android version of Maya Angelou. I couldn't be sure, though, because I only got a glimpse before he threw a handful of moths at me, and that night I had a dream about a giant rabbit that eats skyscrapers.
Lie #3: Up Up Down Down B A B A Select Start
Derek would never have memorized the Konami code with the select button. Using the select button means you're going to play two player. Derek grew up in total isolation in a sensory deprivation tank while being fed nothing but royal jellybeans by an order of blind monks.
Lie #4: ZFS Is The Greatest Thing Ever
ZFS "will" be the greatest thing ever. Like, when today's cutting edge disk access technologies become the mainstream disk access technologies. Way too many people have drives way too pathetic to handle the mighty powers of ZFS. If you don't know what ZFS is, let me tell you that it's basically having a horde of tiny Ron Jeremy clones in your hard drive, taking care of it in that way that only scary porn stars can.
Now that we've uncovered the thread of blatant falsehoods, it's pretty darn obvious that he's telling you all of this because he wants you to think he's got something in common with you, the book-reading, Kentucky-loving, two-player-Contra-gaming, non-ZFS-knowing pink American everyman. And the reason he wants to do this, I suspect, has something to do with the pill bottle clinking in his pocket.
1 comments:
Utopia Colony is already mine!
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