OTCMiHKaL: Over The Counter Medicines I Have Known And Loved

A Chemical Love Story

advil
I figure that if my girlfriend can take one of these every ten minutes, it stands to reason that I can take ten of them every minute. Bolstered by this algebraic equation, I plunk a handful into my mouth before my mind can recognize the mathematical inconsistency. In three bites, what seemed like a mouthful of medicine-sweet M&Ms is now a sick-tasting bite of jagged glass. After swallowing, there is pain in my throat. Eventually, the pain goes away. Shortly afterwards, so does the bottle. Nothing seems to happen. I lie in bed listening to Bob Marley. This is boring. Fun: 1/10

claritin
My throat still a little sore from the Advil bit, I pop twelve pills from their blister pack and crush each one under a half-dollar. Using my driver's license, I cut out three lines and insufflate the first one. The burn blossoms in my brain, but my nose feels clogged. Then, suddenly, it doesn't. Ecstatic, I move on to the next line, and then the next. Each one is progressively easier. I chase it with half a liter of gin, just to make sure. Suddenly, I feel dizzy; I sit down on the couch and wait for the ride to kick in. Oh yeah, that's the ticket. Wait. Maybe it isn't. Half an hour later, I wake up in the middle of a flowerbed. A zinnia is staring me in the face. I'm two blocks away from my house. I get up and look around; there is a small tricycle behind me. Apparently, I stole it from my neighbors and rode it here. I return it and apologize; my neighbor, Suzanne, offers me a slice of blackberry pie. Fun: 3/10

calamine lotion
After I get home from the pharmacy, I pull the three pink bottles out of the bag and look at them thoughtfully. After a shot of Rumpelminze to boost my courage, I break the safety seal on the first one and chug it down. Ugh. This is worse than drinking vomit. I can barely keep the first bottle down as I crack the next one open. It tastes like a combination of sand, glue, and hair. The texture is indescribably bad. Halfway through the bottle, my gut heaves and I spray paint my kitchen in yellow-pink. I never knew such a color existed. Just looking at it makes me sick. After pondering whether or not to clean it up, I chug the rest of the second bottle so I can paint the rest. Fun: 0/10

theraflu
I dump two boxes of theraflu into a giant coffee mug, filling it by a quarter. After heating some water in the kettle, I mix it all together and drink it as quickly as I can without scalding my throat. Yes. Yes. Oh yes. After the past three attempts, finally something is happening. I feel calm, relaxed, drowsy. Very drowsy. When my legs tumble out from under me, the sound of the coffee mug shattering on the floor is somehow muffled. Fun: 6/10

birth control pills
These weren't over the counter, but I did find them in a coworker's purse, so they officially count. I can't remember if I'm supposed to eat the ones there are 7 of, or the ones there are 21 of, so I eat all of them. Nothing happens immediately, so I go to watch television. After three hours, I am vaguely aware that I am watching Days of our Lives, that my nipples are extremely tender, and that I am starving for candy. I get in the car to drive to the corner store, but on the way, I crash into a mailbox and break down in tears. Fun: 2/10

trucker fuckers
I persuade the cashier at 7-11 to sell me an entire box of trucker stimulants, then go home and tear the packages open like a gleeful child at Christmas. After the first three packages, I suddenly feel sixty thousand feet tall. My eyesight seems telescopic, eagle-like; I look around the room and notice that I now have a mental zoom that allows me to notice single objects in detail without missing a single thing that's going on anywhere else. I am dangerously aroused. I understand the lyrics to "East Bound And Down". Fun: 9/10