At A GlanceLas Vegas is the jewel of the desert, an oasis of pulse-racing gambling and random sexual encounters with people who have only recently become women. Founded in 1946 by mayor-for-life Frank Sinatra, it is the second birthplace of Elvis and the holy site where his followers believe his Second Coming will occur. It is known as the birthplace of late night diners, and the place where 'all the buildings light up and there's real purty womens'.
DistrictsLas Vegas Greater Metropolitan Area is actually much, much larger than the tiny actual town of Las Vegas. Around it are several county-designated townships with extremely generic names and completely different personalities, though unlike Phoenix, you won't be able to tell when you've left one area and entered another. Here is a quick rundown:
PARADISE - If you think you are in Las Vegas, you are probably here. Paradise is a catch-all category for Las Vegas. Look for: silly attempts to look like a bigger city.
ARDEN - Some people are afraid of North Las Vegas, but still want to buy drugs. Arden is the place to do it. Just wait until after dark and approach anyone riding a bicycle. Most people from Arden are dumber than bricks, so you can't use 'street slang', most of which is completely different in Vegas anyways. Exception: All slang for methamphetamine is accepted. If nobody knows what you are talking about, you will end up with methamphetamine. Sometimes, you will receive methamphetamine when the cashier at 7-11 runs out of quarters.
ENTERPRISE - Enterprise is a banged up, shitty area of town known for its cheap government housing tracts, bizarre strip-mall businesses that cannot possibly receive more than one customer a year yet still manage to stay open, and the subsection of Mexican immigrants who angrily yell at you if they cannot understand you.
WINCHESTER - Winchester is where people live when they want to feel like they live in Las Vegas, except they want to live in an actual apartment and not some outrageously expensive condo. You can walk to at least three major casinos from any point in Winchester, and can see one from every window in your shitty apartment. Scary old men stalk the apartment grounds after dark, looking for ripe virgins to take back to their studios. This is the area of town with the most lower-middle-class new citizens, and therefore is the area of town where people won't shoot you for waving hello on the sidewalk. ATMs in Winchester still give $10 bills.
NORTH LAS VEGAS - North Las Vegas is completely different than anywhere else in "Vegas". Everyone who lives here will fucking kill you. The policemen do not get out of their cars, ever, but will tell you where the best drug havens are if you ask them politely. Gas stations sell chinese food which is actually made of cleverly molded tumors from dead cancer patients. It is possible to disappear between your front door and your doorstep. The appropriate response, when you hear gunfire, is to learn how to ignore the sound of gunfire. The Mexicans that live here are extremely nice, but will rip you off if you look like you don't understand the word 'drogas'. If you buy drugs at random on the street, you will likely receive bits of wax.
INDIAN SPRINGS - Named exactly the same as another place in Nevada, and is therefore very confusing. Indian Springs the far-away place is named after a Paiute slinky and is the location of a prison. Indian Springs actually-Las-Vegas, apparently also called Eastland Heights, is a part of North Las Vegas that suddenly became a desirable location to live. The land is dirt cheap, the houses are big, and one of your neighbors shoots porn in the backyard. Mexicans in Indian Springs are affluent. You can trace their ancestry simply by looking at the little family decal and the Mexican state name (i.e. Sinaloa) on the back of their SUVs. Some of the little family drawings will trace a family all the way back to the Aztecs.
HENDERSON - Henderson is not a part of Las Vegas, nor is it a city. Nobody actually lives here. There are never any cars here. On the occasion you actually do meet someone who claims to be a resident, they will be rubbing sticks together trying to light a cigarette or perhaps hunting for their dinner with a particularly sharp stick. The city center is about a block from the edge of Henderson, and is immaculate and architecturally inspiring. Bars in Henderson are always empty, but the extremely hot bartender girls will tell you where to find drugs. Only one bar in Henderson is allowed to do Flaming Dr. Peppers, and nobody knows where it is.
LAS VEGAS - A very small area full of casinos that you will never set foot in, except accidentally. Everything is owned by the mob. All of the restaurants are excellent. All of the casinos are named after their non-corporate, crime-family owners. You are safer here than in any other part of Las Vegas, even the rich parts. The streets are one-way. It is against the law to mention the mob, unless you are a member of the mob. One out of three people you see here is.
GREEN VALLEY - Green Valley is where people move when they want to look more affluent than other people, but aren't really. Teenage mothers with tattoos march their aryan children like ducklings across lush gated communities. The drugs are especially good here. You can get high just by finding a strip mall late at night, walking behind it, looking for an open door, and inhaling deeply. Everyone swims in clean apartment pools. Apartment offices have fax machines, exercise equipment, and gold-rimmed glory holes which are manned 24 hours a day. All apartment complexes are extremely competitive, because all the poor people want to live there and there's a fucking airport right outside your window.
SEVEN HILLS - Seven Hills is where people from Green Valley move when they want to look more affluent than other people in Green Valley. Twentysomething mothers with tattoos drive their elementary school children to soccer practice in hulking vans. Everyone is required to visit Starbucks twice daily. There are roads in Seven Hills which actually go on forever, and where you may see your older self driving in the other direction. To get drugs in Seven Hills, you must visit a hospital and know the prescription name of your drugs; however, you must not show any actual physical signs of ailment. There is one OB/GYN in Seven Hills. He is an extremely busy man.
SPRING VALLEY - Spring Valley is where people move when they accidentally move to Green Valley, then realize that everyone there is a complete fucktard. Some streets are extremely nice and suburban; others look like the results of disastrous riots. You can choose any ethnic cuisine in the world and find five restaurants that serve it within two blocks of your home. Police will randomly patrol your street, just to be nice; however, this only happens on the nice streets (every other street). If you want drugs in Spring Valley, you buy them from another township. Nobody on the nice streets understands the concept of race, because Mexicans that live on the nice streets are either rich or fifth-generation Americans. Nobody on the bad streets understands the concept of race, because they are all newly immigrated from Mexico.
SUMMERLIN - Summerlin is where rich Mormons live. There are no Mexicans in Summerlin. Nobody in Summerlin can name an illegal drug other than marijuana or valium, because they all get religious highs at the LDS temple, though the LDS temple is on the other side of the city. Children are issued cellphones upon birth. Every other block is actually a park. There are no streetlights; instead, every intersection is a roundabout.
SUNSET - Sunset is where you live if you are either poor and Mormon, or don't know where Summerlin is. Everyone owns a horse ranch. You can get drugs simply by walking to your nearest low budget housing unit and looking for men who dress like they still think it's the eighties, especially if they are dripping Jheri Curl. Unlike all other areas of Las Vegas, no prostitutes live here. Nobody even knows what a prostitute is. People who live in Sunset think the town is even smaller than it actually is; they think of 'bad areas of town' in terms of avenues within Sunset.
RHODES RANCH - Rhodes Ranch, Rancho Circle, and Spanish Trail are where the mafia actually lives. You will never find any of these areas unless someone who lives in town tells you where they are. The exception is Rhodes Ranch, which always has about nine thousand Porsches waiting at the gate to get in. These cars are backed up all the way down Durango Avenue. The Mexicans who live here are in the Mafia, and you do not fuck with them. If you want drugs, you have them muled in from Colombia. Prostitutes are equally easy to find; all houses come with guest rooms which are fully stocked with prostitutes and beer. You must wear Hawaiian shirts everywhere, even to the shower. The first rule of Rhodes Ranch/Rancho Circle/Spanish Trail is you do not talk about Rhodes Ranch/Rancho Circle/Spanish Trail.
