Sorry, Your Presidential Candidate Called In Sick

Alright. It is with the deepest regret and sincerity that I announce that your favored presidential candidate is at home in bed. It may be the flu; it may be mono; it may be the fact that we stayed up all night playing whiskey pong. And although your candidate lacks the ability to make this speech as we had previously hoped, let it be known that I am totally prepared to ease your concerns about the upcoming election.

One of the questions we get all the time is about gay marriage. Let me explain something to you: married people pay more taxes. We want more tax money. If the gays want to give it to us, well, then. Let them have their wedding rings and their matching dresses and their gerbils or whatever it is they do. If they want to get married in assless chaps, that's fine. In fact, I'm thinking we could pass some sort of assless chap tax.

You're also concerned about illegal immigration, and of course you are: let's face it, illegal immigration is just a nice way to say "alien invasion", and we've all seen the X Files. I'm not a big fan of probes of any sort. Let's just say we have a way to deal with aliens, and it involves mag-lites. So, we'll be doubling the mag-lite budget for border patrol.

What's our exit strategy for Iraq? Well, I'm glad you asked. We worked out this pretty complex plan the other day, and it seems like we've got all the major difficulties covered. Just to give you a little clue about how this is going to work: we're basically going to get a whole bunch of boats, send them to Iraq, and then put our army guys on them. After we do that, the boats will come back here. We've practiced this in the bathtub with some plastic army men, and I have to say, it's a plan that shows some promise. The only time the bathtub scenario didn't work was when our speechwriter put a bunch of soap suds in his hair and claimed he was Poseidon, god of the sea, then used a dinner fork as a 'trident' to scoop the soldiers over the edge of the toy boat. So, as long as we don't run into Poseidon, we're all good.

Finally, I'd like to speak to you about the subprime crisis. Housing prices are plummeting, and it's like there's a new Fed rate cut every five minutes. We've got some legislation to take care of that too: every time there's more than three houses per block, we're going to force the contractors to take out the houses and replace them with a hotel. That way, there's enough houses for everybody.

I'm glad to have had the chance to speak to you on behalf of your presidential candidate. We hope that you remember, come November, the following words: Klaatu, Barada, Nikto.