Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It

Agent, this is an important time in your career. Indeed, this is a monumental occasion for all of us at Google. We trust you will undertake this mission in order to further our goals of confusing the hell out of bloggers, partly because it will keep them from uniting and rising up against us in some kind of shitty revolution (like any of those blogging fatasses out there know how to stand up and, you know, get some fucking exercise). Mostly, we like to confuse the bloggers because we find it very funny, on the order of watching infinite monkeys get hit in the crotch with infinite footballs. And let me tell you, we've seen this. Because we're fucking Google. We were gonna post it to YouTube, but then we decided not to. Just because.

Anyways, agent, we have a complex mission with many parts for you. If you somehow lose this document, like, by saving it in your Windows Live!!! Mail or something, you can always find another copy by googling for "pedophobia". Nobody ever searches for that word, ever. We're not even sure that it actually exists.

The first thing we need you to do is go to Petite Pretties and get Operative Midget Elvis, who has been there, partying, for an extremely long time. Like, so long that he can apparently claim all the dancers as wives under common law. On the way back from the strip club, we require you to stop by Green Valley Grocery and get exactly 8 of those mega-burritos. Wait, what? Sorry. Exactly nine mega-burritos, the ones in the foil wraps. Then return Midget Elvis to us. You'll have to ride up the elevator with him, because he can't reach the button. Also, he probably couldn't carry nine extremely large burritos by himself. According to the description on the package, they are, and I quote, "Deceptively Tremendous".

When you arrive, you will receive the custom virus. Find some prurient material on the videodisc Operative Midget Elvis will bring, and create an infected movie. Post this movie to YouTube; it will eventually have to be taken down but by then, every YouTube-cloning site will have "saved" the video. Once it does, the mission will be complete: all major browsers will render all blogs with spamblog-like partial text, and the blogosphere will lose credibility overnight. Except the ones that are mostly whining and pictures of jailbait in various stages of undress, because nobody reads those for the words anyways. Ahem. According to the monkeys.
And the monkeys are always right.