Move Over Joe Camel

I don't have a problem with sharing cigarettes, especially with friends, because friends are awesome and cigarettes were meant to be used in groups, much like needles, condoms, and lasers. Apparently, however, I am so disgustingly popular that now random people come to my desk to ask for cancer, even people who don't smoke and people who I have never seen before. I'm not actually sure all of them work at my job.

Since I like poison and hate people, I think I've got a solution to the massive financial drain of being the sole cancer provider for an entire company: I need to get sponsored by Altria. After all, they're the company who discovered that you can basically tell people to fuck off and die, over and over, and that they will pay you for it.

Basically, I think it should work like this: Altria can send me a trendy jacket, emblazoned with their logo, and fill the pockets with packs of cigarettes as well as Toblerones (the toblerones should also contain nicotine). Throughout the course of the day, I will give cigarettes to other people. I will give them cigarettes when they ask. I will give them cigarettes when I want them to shut up. Sometimes, I will give cigarettes to people as an answer to a question, and then I will contemplate the proffered cylinder as if though it holds the zenlike answer to the universe. I will also give cigarettes to children, because I believe that the children are our future and by getting all the kids addicted to cigarettes means that even after I'm dead, I will have killed them.