Salmon Eggs Are Disgusting

I loves me some sushi. The same drive that leads men to consume rare steak and bloody veal insists, nay, forces me to put raw fish in my mouth. This is ten percent because I am biologically more complex and therefore superior to fish. It is also one hundred percent because raw fish is delicious, much more delicious than ordinary cooked fish. If there were some way to uncook a fish and thereby invent a process which made fish more raw, the person who invented that technology would be rich forever, because they would have unlocked the secret flavor of rainbows.

That having been said, I do not like salmon roe. At a recent get-together where there were probably a million people sitting at a table of ten, I put one salmon egg in my mouth and bit into it, hoping for the lack of taste I get from smaller roes. I did not get this lack of taste.

Instead, I got the taste of a sweaty fish orgasm in my mouth. It was horrid. It was like I'd been physically abused by some distant fish I would never be able to find and murder for the horrible thing it had done to me. It was like cheap, salmon-flavored, convenience-store wine, steeped in salt and fish kool-aid. Somewhere, there's a fish out there who owes me ten dollars. And to all the ladies: I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know.

I'm going to buy as much salmon as I can this weekend. I am going to cook it in various ways, and I am going to get twenty million percent of my US RDA of omega-7 magic acids. And I hope that somewhere in all that fish is the one that destroyed my soul. Even if I never know, it will be better for the balance of the universe if this one time I can get revenge, forever.