The Care And Feeding Of Proles

As of the time of this writing, I have two live-in poors of my very own. Fancy has one. This is your penultimate guide to maintaining their health and marketability.

1. Proles Are Not Like You: Where To Find Your Lower-Class Roommate

The proletariat can be found in many places, since in America they outnumber the typical suburbanite by about sixty trillion to one. They can even be found, with a little patience, in your own neighborhood, usually walking around and marking their territory with spray-paint cans. If you search all the graffiti-able surfaces in your neighborhood and cannot find any of their spoor (which is an anagram of poors), try putting an old piece of furniture out on the sidewalk as bait. The proletariat cannot resist free furniture, which they use to decorate their nests in order to attract a mate.

2. The Lower Class Is Not Housebroken

Not to mention nearsighted. If you do not provide proper receptacles for the endless amount of junk that your very own poors can produce, and place those receptacles right next to where they sleep, they will just throw things out of the nearest window. I am not kidding. Ever since I began keeping my little transients, my front lawn is now home to beer bottles, bolt cutters, syringes, and the occasional partially demolished automobile. The purpose of placing all this waste in plain view is part of the vagrant's evolutionary need to set borders.

3. The Derelicts Love Food

But they cannot digest most normal human foods, like vegetables, foie gras, and botox. Instead, your working-class poor will wait until night (when they are most active) and then search your pantry for low-nutrition prepared foods, leftovers, and beef. The proletariat cannot eat enough beef, preferably raw. I once took my poors to the Bonnie Springs petting zoo and showed them the longhorn cattle; they immediately jumped up in the air like in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, except instead of kicking each other's asses they fell on the cow and started taking huge bites out of it. I tried to leave them there and go back home, but the near-homeless also have the magical ability to find their way home, even if you leave them in a drug rehab center in Newfoundland, several thousand miles away from anything worth doing.

4. Transients Naturally Live In A High-Drama Environment

If you don't have cable television, especially a channel that receives WWE, then your pet proles will immediately begin making their own drama, because they cannot live without it. Drama is how the proletariat gets its exercise; without drama, proles will go into hibernation. If you visit a trailer park, you will notice how as soon as a slight disagreement is reached, the working class will emerge from its nest and begin fighting as publicly as possible. This is another reason for them putting things all over the front lawn: they will require these items as they throw them at each other. This is also why vagrants are not monogamous; although they occasionally 'marry', this is usually a means of generating more drama further down the road.

I hope you've gained some valuable insights into the workings of your very own live-in proletariat. With proper care, you can keep them from picking up horrible, life-threatening diseases, like socialism. And remember: badly-treated working poor often leave home, where they are thrown into pound-like "detention centers" and "drunk tanks". Make sure to leave them pomade, to help them grow a shiny coat. In return, your poors will give you several years of entertainment and poverty.