How To Write A Sentence

Hrm. You know what? Birds suck. Every time I see a bird shadow on the ground, I have to look up and make sure the bird isn't pooping, because I am convinced they all want to poop on me. Like some sort of conspiracy. Alright. This is good stuff. Let's type this up for my blog:

Birds are pretty gay.

Huh. That's not as hard-hitting as it should be. It's not really a very creative sentence at all, is it? And if I keep writing sentences like that, I'll lose all my funny, forever, like the guy who writes Dilbert. And nobody wants to be that unfunny. Because that would make all the clowns in the world cry.

What can I do? I can try to describe how gay birds are, I guess. Let's see, what's something else that's pretty gay?

Birds are pretty gay, sort of like shovels.

Where the hell did that come from? Shovels aren't gay. You use them to bury people. In fact, shovels are pretty fucking rad. Let's try this again.

Birds are pretty gay, sort of like gay people.

Nice one, Captain Obvious. Knock knock. Who's at the door? Creativity. And she's crying. Because of you.

Birds are pretty gay, like a planet made of asses that gets constantly bombarded by phallic meteors.

Okay, that's much more creative. But it's also geeky as hell. You're going to confuse the normals, and then they won't visit your site anymore, and it'll be all your fault, and you'll be unloved, forever, until you die and get put in a shallow grave with a tombstone that says "Here lies Tele, his website was shit."

Alright. Let's go back to the beginning and try again.

Birds are pretty gay.

Okay. Think. Think. How can I make this sentence better?

Birds are pretty fucking gay.

Perfect.

Films I Am Going To Write Someday

• Two scientists create a shrinking time-loop by accident. Scenes get cut as the time-loop happens over and over, until eventually the last loopthrough is cut out bits of dialog that spell out a cry for help.
• A film that switches languages every ten minutes, going from beautiful and poetic to horrible and jangled. This is the progression of languages: Latin, Spanish, French, Russian, Italian, English, Portuguese, Ulster Scots, grunting noises, Welsh.
• A buddy film, where one of the buddies is a hot chick, and the other buddy is also a hot chick. I don't know what they will do, except that it will involve running through a sprinkler several times.
• A hallucinating, cross-eyed epileptic becomes the head sniper for the NYPD.
• A movie exactly like Watership Down, except all the rabbits are robots that speak Yiddish, and Fiver is a cannibal robot like Hannibal Lecter. Replace famous Silence of the Lambs "fava beans and chianti" scene with "tin cans and thirty-weight oil".
• A man and woman fall in love via an AOL chat room, and when they meet, they discover that they are actually two different personalities of the same person. Then, Dee Snyder shows up and kills the main character.
• A movie that starts off as Charlotte's Web but ends up as tasty, tasty bacon.

Metalheads Talking

The names have been altered, to preserve your waning sanity. That's right, yours. Not theirs. If I give out actual names, you may be forced to recognize the fact that these people actually exist.

Cale: So this guy pushes up next to me, right? And he's a big motherfucker. He's like, 6'10", two-eighty. So I reach down in my pocket for my blade, right? And after I whip it out, he just kinda backs up and his eyes get all big. "No, no, I didn't mean anything by it."
Dan: Fuck, right?
Music: fuck fuck fuck damn shit eyesocket nightmare dramamine shitfuck bitchdamn shitbitch
Cale: This is a fucking wicked track right here. Check this solo.
Music: (sounds like a guitar in the last throes of a grand mal seizure, right before its wire heart explodes)
Dan: Fuck, right?
DawgDawg: I need to get up on out of this bitch coming up soon, I got to get in to the station hella early in the morning.
Dan: Fuck, right?
Cale: That's some shit, man. (air guitars for a little while, then starts singing) fuck! fuck! fuck! shitfuck eyesocket!
Dan: Fuck, right?
DawgDawg: Oh, man, did I tell you I just picked up this wicked ass blade? Has a dragon masturbating engraved into the hilt. I'm callin it the Jedi Excalibur SlayBlade.
Cale: Aw, man. Reminds me of the WykkydSlashr I picked up last weekend.
Dan: Fuck, right?

How Do I Say 'Cinnamony'?

Missy: okay maybe i'll use proper grammar and just say "lots of cinnamon"
Me: you can be creative. there are other words in the english language.
Missy: wow, i haven't used html in a while. i'm having to dig this stuff up out of my brain a bit
Me: "tainted". "bloated". "drenched". "spiked".
Me: encrusted. imbued. FORGED IN DARK RIVERS OF MOLTEN CINNAMON IN THE DEPTHS OF THE SWEET ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN.
Missy: yeah my brain wasn't thinking that