Open Until Nine Isn't, Forcing Me To Speak Of The Sexing Music To Fill The Void

Since that total shaftbagger X isn't updating his blog with the rampant and entirely true tales of his penis, which has long since become void of warranty, I guess it's my brotherly duty to get your genitals into a general state of terrified excitement on his behalf. You know. Since he's too busy deep-diving his wing-wang in the parking lot of the dollar matinee to tell us a proper story.

So anyways, apparently people out there have playlists of the sexing music, which are always hilarious because the playlists are always like six hours long and the last time I heard the end of one it felt like I was sharpening my babymaker against a grindstone. I heard the other day that Portishead makes it into these lists with astonishing regularity. In order to test this, I listened to some Portishead, just a few minutes ago, right here at work, and waited for the cavalry to muster. Instead, I got really bored. Portishead is slow, people. Very, very slow. Like, lullaby slow. I understand that people don't exactly fill their little secret playlists with death metal, but geez. On my groove-meter, Portishead ranks somewhere around "completely motionless". As in, "while this song is playing, why not take a little nap and dream about fishing on a very calm lake, which is made of Valium".

Maybe I just don't get it, because Fancy said that he could totally see the Portishead thing, although whenever he watches porn he's blasting Electric Six and King Missile as 'mood music'. Also, one time we were driving around downtown trying to find something to do and we saw these pretty hot tourist chicks wandering around the Fremont Street Experience, and the first thing he did was start blasting some Weird Al and pulled over in front of them and got their phone numbers, which all started with 011-something, so we knew they were totally fake and threw them away. Then we went to a bar and drank Tequila Blasters until everybody else passed out.

I Am Eternally Fucked

Square-Enix just released a game where you turn your iPod songs into soldiers, then power them up by listening to those songs. That's right. A strategy RPG, where I can finally turn Neko Case into a total badass robot-killing superdiva like I know she secretly is at night anyways.

This strikes me on more chords than I thought possible.

I am royally, eternally fucked.

Now I Has An Ipod

Ever since I picked up my nano, I've been trying to listen to much more of my library so I could fill up that 8GB with as much quality music as I can. Here's some of the recent contenders:

Stars - Death To Death [Heart] Somehow, this went unheard, even though I have a lot of four and five star Stars songs in my library. What a chorus - I am destroyer, I am lover. In keeping with the male-and-female leads schtick that somehow never gets old with Stars, this just got its five-star rating a few minutes ago.

The Format [Dog Problems] I love this album. Everyone else I know hates it. It's an indie-pop breakup cd, and it sounds like Ben Folds Five singing the Laverne and Shirley theme. Disgustingly upbeat, if this had been released thirty years ago you'd have heard it on every eighties movie EVER.

Polvo - The Purple Bear [Exploded Drawing] The rest of the album is pretty mediocre, but this one has the whole indie-rock, off-tune and catchy beat bit that sates the appetites of those of us who still miss quirky videos on Alternative Nation.

Deerhoof - Panda Panda Panda [Apple O'] Panda panda panda, panda pan, pan-da! Panda panda panda, panda pan, beep beep! I can't help but laugh evilly at how many of you will hate this song and yet not be able to stop listening to it, ever, even when it's not playing.

[Massive music collection thanks to emusic.com, which has so much cheap music it's disgusting.]

Recent iTunes Loves

The Delgados - Witness

I seriously love the Delgados. This isn't the absolute best of their songs (Woke From Dreaming), but it is one that I just recently found in my collection, and I'm enjoying it a lot. And if you don't like Woke From Dreaming, whoever you are, you're a total cockrobber and should just turn in your headphones, now, to me. Because I keep breaking mine.

Cranes - Shining Road

Yeah, I had an annoying indie rock friend who kept talking about how superhumanly great the Cranes are. My analysis? Meh. Alison sounds like she's twelve. Seriously. But this song is good.

Denali - You File

Aww, Denali, how come you had to cease existing before I heard this song? Maybe it's because most of your other songs are just okay, or because you were eaten by vampire zombie sushi or something. Whatever. I set the CD player in my car to start on this song when I get in, so I can roll down the windows and everybody can hear what tremendously good taste in music I have.

The New Pornographers - Letter From An Occupant

You know I can't do a music post without mentioning Neko Case and her fantastic hot singing powers, which she uses to save tiny children from monsters. Neko Neko Neko. Apparently everyone in the world besides me has already heard this song, but damn it, I have a really really big music collection. I'll get through it, eventually.

The Sound Of Music

iTunes is magical, because it has Apple authority, and everybody knows that Apple knows what's best for you. Once I tried to buy a computer online and sent Apple my money; they never sent me the computer because, in my heart, they knew I didn't really need a new one.

According to the Most Played smart playlist that comes with the iTunes, these are my favoritest songs ever:

Neko Case [Hold On, Hold On]   Play Count: 105

I apparently can't argue with this, since I end up hearing this song every day (it's on most of the CDs I burn for the car). Sexy country noir (which is WAY better than country), totally awesome lyrics, the prerequisite drug reference [valium], and to top it all off, it's less than three minutes long. Spot number two on my list is Neko's I Wish I Was The Moon at 82 plays. She has a disgustingly wonderful voice.

Ladytron [Seventeen] Play Count: 73

An electronica dance song with 29 words, repeated over and over. This song is like the opposite of everything I love about music, which explains why I listen to it so frequently. Sometimes the opposite of what you like is totally awesome, like Bizarro World and the Soviet Union.

Calexico [Sunken Waltz]  Play Count: 62

If you haven't listened to Feast of Wire yet, I will cut you with a gun that shoots bullets, because it's the most wonderful album ever. It has tons of stuff I thought I hated - mariachi influenced trumpets, folksy guitar, the works. Calexico is proof that Arizona is better than Nevada, except the part with my house, which is better than the whole rest of the US and is about to be declared a commonwealth so I'm not allowed to vote anymore.

Millencolin [Farewell My Hell]  Play Count: 61

For a self-styled punk rocker, it's pretty gay that the first punk song on my list is at number 5. And that it's skate punk. And that the band isn't even from America, where music was invented. This is a fantastic song, with pretty awesome lyrics considering it's made by illegal aliens.

Guitar Hand

3:07:28 PM Teleolurian: i want to go somewhere loud and play this song

3:07:34 PM Teleolurian: WITH MY GUITAR HAND

3:08:16 PM Teleolurian: holy shit

3:08:21 PM Teleolurian: a guitar hand is the best idea ever

3:08:49 PM Kerplunk: lol

3:08:59 PM Teleolurian: every time i finished a job

3:09:08 PM Teleolurian: i'd be all "meedley meedley meee"

3:09:11 PM Teleolurian: and i'd fucking ROCK OUT

3:09:34 PM Kerplunk: LOL

3:09:42 PM Kerplunk: that would be sweet

3:09:46 PM Teleolurian: seriously

3:09:59 PM Kerplunk: haha...meedley meedley..

3:10:12 PM Teleolurian: there is NO SITUATION where a guitar hand could possibly be a bad thing

3:11:21 PM Kerplunk: blah

3:12:19 PM Teleolurian: i could hit people with it, KABONG

3:12:41 PM Kerplunk: lol

3:12:54 PM Teleolurian: and everytime somebody told me to help carry something i'd be all, sorry. guitar hand.

3:13:08 PM Kerplunk: its a disease

3:13:25 PM Teleolurian: i have seizures, except for it's really rocking the fuck out

3:13:31 PM Teleolurian: and then making a metal face

3:13:45 PM Kerplunk: banging the head a little, you know

3:13:59 PM Kerplunk: sometimes i sing stuff too

3:14:12 PM Teleolurian: then i'd meet somebody with a bass hand

3:14:20 PM Teleolurian: and some poor bastard with drum ass

3:14:23 PM Kerplunk: HAHA

3:14:35 PM Kerplunk: omg that made me laugh hard

3:14:42 PM Teleolurian: lol

Somebody Has Issues

8:17:01 AM Kerplunk: funny that you say that because i have them stuck in my head
9:42:33 AM Kerplunk: i have the mentos song stuck in my head
4:28:51 PM Kerplunk: dammit now i have the only millencolin song i know stuck in my head
1:55:39 PM Kerplunk: i have that american pie song stuck in my head now
4:08:42 PM Kerplunk: i have a good charlotte song stuck in my head
4:38:11 PM Kerplunk: so i have that rockstart song in my head
12:11:00 PM Kerplunk: now i have that love and marriage song stuck in my head
10:27:53 AM Kerplunk: oh i have pennywise in my head
4:29:35 PM Kerplunk: so now i have Bruce lee vs. the kiss army stuck in my head

1:11:54 PM Kerplunk: ohh dance eh?
1:12:06 PM Kerplunk: can i leave my friends behind?
1:12:18 PM Tele: well, you know. if they don't dance...
1:12:29 PM Kerplunk: they are no frineds of mine...for sure..
1:15:13 PM Kerplunk: now i have that song stuck in my head

3:08:24 PM Kerplunk: is it lady marmalade
3:08:30 PM Kerplunk: because thats stuck in my head

2:45:23 PM Kerplunk: but u should download nonpoint...the song is called what a day
2:46:56 PM Kerplunk: ive had that song stuck in my head all day...i didnt know half the words so i googled them and i have been singing it in my head

I Do It To Torture You

Dear Passengers:

Yes. I love the New Pornographers. I love Cherry Blossom Clinic. I love Stars. And there's a simple reason why I love all these bands: it's because I want you to suffer.

When you all started musically developing faster than me, moving away from the safety of alternative in the Grunge Revolution, it was pretty disquieting. While I was still wearing Nirvana t-shirts, you were making weird grunting noises to Korn, or feeling up skanks while listening to Juno Reactor. My vast alternative library meant nothing; you had Moved On and I no longer had the musical taste to out-snob you. There was no way I was going to tell people that I "used to like" your favorite bands, the mantra of the total audio prick. Because I wasn't going to admit to listening to Slipknot. This is because I totally hate Slipknot.

But then, something magical happened. All those antidepressants started working, and yesterdays alternative musicians became today's indie musicians. And in some cases, today's indie-pop musicians.

And damned if I didn't make myself listen to them. Because they were new, and even though the songs weren't that catchy, it was something I could understand. And something I knew intrinsically that you would hate. When I got to the point where I started singing along with the songs, well. I liked that just fine. I almost wanted to start listening to Aqua.

The sweetest part of revenge is watching you wince in the rear-view mirror. Some people plan their entire lives to get a single moment of payback. I see it in your faces even when you're not listening to it; the mere presence of a band you hate in my chat status bar somehow makes its way through to our chats, when you suddenly skirt the all-time favorite topic of music.

So, yes. I listen to it because you hate it. Because I've grown to like it. Because Neko Case is totally hot.

I Went About Being A Musician In The Wrong Way

Oh, those hazy days of my adolescence, coked to the gills on drugs, filthy, homeless, and completely fucking retarded. I miss those days, sleeping in horrible disgusting dives next to people who would have sold my ass to Hitler for a nickel line of speed. Back then, I had this absolutely dumbass idea about how to be a musician.

For some congenitally dimwitted reason, I had this absurd notion that to be a good musician you need to learn to play an instrument and write creative and thoughtful songs. That is utter bullshit. All you need to do is actually listen to the noise abortions that come out of your radio box to realize that every single person who is famous for music is famous for not doing those two things.

I should have spent all that methed-out guitar solo practice time on learning how to make a metal face. I say this because here I am, almost a decade and a half of guitar experience under my belt, and I have mediocre-to-decent guitar skills and no fucking metal face. Not that I play metal, people who play and listen to that tripe are go-nowhere shitwad losers, but the metal face is one of the most important skills you can ever learn if you plan to somehow follow the rock dream (Make Metal Face > Amass Fortune > Kill Self).

What have I learned? I've learned that I don't even have to write coherent lyrics for the songs I play over repetitive drum tracks for people to consider me moderately okay. All that time you spend writing fucking beautiful poetry and then crying over it because it's so damn beautiful? Those achingly beautiful stanzas that made you want to insufflate a huge rail and slit your wrists and bleed to death while sitting on a beautiful beautiful hill and watching trains roll by during the sunset? That's for college indie losers, sorry, the mass media thrives on hitting your baby one more time. Not that I have any problem with hitting babies.

Looking through all the shit songs I've written, I've learned that at least, hopefully, they could have corrupted youth. That's what I got into this waste of time for, corrupting the youth. Knowing what I have to offer, I probably couldn't have made them start chanting and offing themselves, much to the detriment of the genepool, but I bet I could have at least gotten them to start having the violent sex. Like, the kind that's too violent for fertilization of an ovum. That's a small comfort that I hold close to myself on those dark chilly nights, slitting my wrists and drinking heavily and then passing out and healing before I can be bothered to bleed to death.

eMusic

Search: Wizo
** One track on compilation album found.
Search: Bad Religion
** All albums except the one you're looking for (Recipe For Hate) found.
Search: Neko Case
** You already bought all these albums, please notch up your pretension meter.
Search: Annoying Repetitive Emopop
** Ten billion records found.

[Click one at random]

Sample review, run through the satire filter:

***** ZOMG! by ICutMyself
This band is the epitome of feeling. Listen to the raw power of the whining. If you say this band sucks u have no taste so go fuck urself

________
Or the following. I've done you the favor of italicizing the fnords:

** This band used to be good but sucks by HeardFirstFiveSeconds
They used to be awesome but Emo McPoppyPants stopped doing heroin. I suggest you move on and listen to their double-bootlegged 1978 concert album, "Yay I Hurt". There was an evocation of haunting melody in their dynamic power ballads. Their core repertoire has since been hurt when an argument threatened to split up the band, a rivalry between frontman Emo and bassist Fibber Michelob.

_________
Wash, rinse, repeat. Gawsh. I certainly understand the obsessive need to detail the history of anything I'm well acquainted with, but band histories are almost always the same. You could write a flowchart.

Despite these hangups, eMusic has actually been pretty fantastic. I've heard the artists don't like it so much, so as tracks get switched on iTunes I'll likely start buying DRM-free tracks there.