Getting In Shape

Yoga
On one hand, it would be pretty damn cool to be able to walk on my own shoulders. On the other hand, people who do yoga are part of some secret yoga club where one day you're doing "The Buffalo Transcends The Mosquito" and the next day you eat yogurt parfaits, drive an SUV, and engage in kinky menage a trois with disgustingly flexible Swedes. Then again, I do like yogurt.

Calisthenics
It's pretty easy to get into a calisthenics program, because you don't really need much to do pushups and pull-ups and all that jazz. It's pretty boring, though. It's kind of like the missionary position of exercise. Also, with my feeble, feminine arms, I have never done a free-hanging pull up in my life. When I was in high school, my gym teacher got so annoyed by me just dangling and struggling on the bar that he made me wear a peach taffeta dress for an entire week. I am stunning in taffeta.

Boxing
Although I always thought of boxing as a pretty boring means of fighting, mostly because there's no biting or kicking, it seems like when a boxer gets into a scrape with somebody who knows something showier and more exotic, the boxer ends up beating the juice out of the other guy. The down side is that you have to drink raw eggs and scotch, you have to be pretty stupid, and at some point in time you will get into a fight with a Russian who looks exactly like Mr T. If I were Mr. T, I would learn how to strangle people with all that bling.

Pilates
Pilates was invented a long time ago, but nobody knew or cared what it was until suddenly the indie rock generation revived it. Nowadays, people who do Pilates are also eating sushi, driving Nissans, and listening to CocoRosie. Actually, I do all those things, but I'm still not doing the exercises.

Karate
Karate was "totally rad" in the 80's, after Enter the Dragon and all of that, but nowadays every asshole you meet has a black belt and is into Zen Buddhism. I think the Zen Buddhist thing is really just a way of getting out of fights. I'm pretty sure a swift kick to the yin-yang is about all you need to protect yourself from these guys if you actually get into a fight. The problem is, they like to talk about all the things they've learned. I've had to listen for hours to a boss that just blathered on and on about how during a tournament he had some guy in this position or that position where just a little more pressure would have totally shattered all his bones into fine dust. It sounded like he was talking about gay sex. Ever since then, I've been totally off the whole karate thing.

Heavy Alcoholism
On the other hand, I might be in perfect shape, since I have to go to the store to buy two more bottles of gin about every other day. If you get the glass Seagram's half-gallon jugs, you're totally feeling the burn by the time you finally get your first drink of the morning. Once they're two-thirds empty, you can just take out the flameguard, fill the bottle with grapefruit juice, and you're all set to commit to a grueling afternoon of hurling sexual insults at your local boy scout troupe, lying naked on your lawn in a pool of your own stomach juices, or staring lasciviously through the living room window at the kids getting off the school bus across the street.

5 Ways To Prepare Your Home For The Market

You've done it- you've completely used up all the magic in your house. When you first moved in, you'd walk into your kitchen, full of unpacked boxes; you'd take a deep breath of satisfaction and think, all of this is mine.

Nowadays, you stumble downstairs in your crummy housecoat, swear at the loose tile that keeps tripping you when you're not paying attention to where you walk, and look around the kitchen, full of unpacked boxes, and think, what in the world were we thinking when we moved into this hellhole?

Well, the housing market isn't going to fix itself overnight. We're heading towards recession at about sixty times the speed of debt, and if you want to move into another house and steal all their magic, you're going to have to make it look like you haven't squeezed all the happy-juice out of your own digs.

#1 Post Helpful Warnings Around Eyesores And Hazards
People love warnings. It makes you look thoughtful, like you actually care about the people dumb enough to buy your worn-out and totalled house. You don't, obviously, but if you run around the house with a few sticky notes, you can give the appearance of caring, while spending far less money than it would take to give this pathetic hovel the renovation it actually needs.

#2 Pretend Your House Is Haunted
With just a few well-placed electric fans, faulty light sockets, and timing your prospective buyers' walkthroughs to coincide with your noisy neighbors' after-dinner romp, you can convince the gullible to believe that the hitchhiker you brought home (hold on, I just need to stop off at home and get my meds) died 'as soon as you stepped out of the room', and is now wailing her vengeance. The only thing that keeps her from destroying your family are the protection runes on the wall. Yes, the ones that look like an unmedicated toddler went schizo with a sharpie when you were putting a little Irish in your coffee.

#3 Hang A Dreamcatcher
I have no idea what it is with people, but I swear- any middle-class family that walks into a cozy room with a dreamcatcher hanging from the ceiling suddenly go completely psycho digging for their checkbooks. The ones who manage to restrain themselves will try to ask a question or two about it: either they'll ask about witchcraft and crystals and copper bracelets and all that shamebait, or they'll ask if it has some sort of cultural significance. All you have to do in this situation is use the word "Navajo" in a sentence, and they'll probably throw their 401k in to sweeten the deal.

#4 Use Clever Distractions
During the walkthrough, it's inevitable a question or two will come up about the uninsulated wiring, a crack in the ceiling, or the fact that the house seems to have sunk two inches as soon as they walked in. Using prearranged hand signals, you can trigger a child to throw a fit. It's better if childhood violence is not the cause; try to get them to summon up real tears about all the kids starving in Canada or about the unicorns all getting eaten by dinosaurs or something like that. With some clever parentology, you can get everyone to gather in the dining room as you soothe your trembling child. Answer any additional questions with renewed outbursts of tears. The best thing about this strategy is that you only have to make one room in the house presentable. If you don't have children of your own, rent some.

#5 Seek An Alternative Market
Not able to sell to the people who normally hunt for houses? Look for America's "barely accepted" underclasses- homosexual couples, Wiccans, Turks, or ear-candling fetishists. A well placed pleasure-swing/pet sacrifice pentacle/coptic cross/box of earplug shaped crayons and you'll be initiated into the secret brotherhood of knob gobblers/fat hairy people/waffle-eaters/totally insane Japanese people. Once you're perceived as knowledgeable about their filthy rituals, they'll be far more likely to pay an outrageous price for your leavings. The best part? Everyone you hate living around now has to deal with them. Victory is sweet.

You Have An Old Soul

I cast MAGIC MISSILE!