Let's Hope This Primary Crap Is Finally Over

I've never voted for a Democrat president, ever.

Neither have a lot of people, but apparently, people are all over the Democratic primaries this year like a buffet made entirely of sex. It's been a weird experience for me, looking at things from the blue side. Mostly, there's the bitching. You dems bitch a lot. I swear, somebody could rebuild the economy, destroy the national deficit, and shit dollars in an envelope every day to mail to every citizen of these great United States, and all you guys would do is complain about all the horses that died so those envelopes could get licked shut.

But nobody can fault you for not having candidates that at least dream of a brighter tomorrow. I'm used to voting for the side that says, "hey, the rich get richer, but if you become rich, then that's you." Of course, it seems like this year nobody really knows how to give up either. Maybe it's because the PATRIOT Act pretty much gives you the right to take pictures of all of our wives, Gone Wild, and watch them in privacy at the super secret CIA Department of Pornographic Surveillance. I mean, come on. Fringe benefits.

Maybe with the exit polls in North Carolina, Hillary will finally give up? I don't know. I haven't been on this side of the fence before. It's like the first time I did acid- the whole idea is pretty cool, but all the little things are really pissing me off.

UPDATE: Half an hour before Indiana's polls close, CNN, who apparently got slammed for being hypersupportive of Obama, shows higher percentages for Clinton than anybody anywhere is reporting. Hilarity. 63% to 37%.

UPDATE: Those >60% figures are now showing on HuffingtonPost as well. And to think I spent all this time without reading the hilariously silly liberal media sites.

Have A Day

It's Tower Records in its heyday, back when it was a freestanding building near UNLV, and I'm waiting for the cashier to ring up my sixth copy of Nevermind, my king-size chocolate bar, and my copy of Pierced And Pretty Vol. 8. The cashier is bald, with little round-rimmed glasses and the largest scraggly-red goatee I have ever seen. The backs of his hands have intricate celtic knots tattooed on the back of them, which look like some sort of ribbon-pasta orgy. And then he says it: have a nice day.

It's a phrase that has lost its meaning in the sixteen trillion repetitions the universe has heard ever since the first Neanderthal first bought crude pornographic images on a shard of rock, which I have on full authority is the very first purchase ever made. Now, normally, I'm busy trying to avoid having to talk to people out loud, so I usually just whisper 'thank you' and bolt out of the door.

Not this time. Why only a "nice" day? Why limit it to a single day? Why say this at night? And why was this guy looking at me like I was filet mignon? There had to be a better way to handle this situation. There always is.

"Have a nice day" is a dinosaur. It should sink in the tarpits and die. When closing your conversations, I suggest "May your destiny be fulfilled!". Thunder it out, like a superhero.

And then bolt out the door and get back home. Leave them to savor their future, content in the knowledge that, at your benediction, all the untold riches of tomorrow can be theirs. And meanwhile, you've got porn.

CBYTE Dual-Processor Motherboard

It is the congratulation! Here you are having your very own CBYTE Dual-Processor Motherboard. Allow yourself the breath of victory! It is a thing to own this motherboard. In the follows are the instruction to have you put it into your computer machine.

The Assembling

The CBYTE motherboard is built for dual processor. It is important to have all the processor for your motherboard connecting at the joining place. Never cause your computer to start without every processor, for in doing so your feng shui will diminish and your lower parts will shrivel and recede into the abdomen. It is good spirits for the dual processor to be connected.

Also the CBYTE must have its RAMs. Without RAMs the CBYTE will hunger for remembering. Please do not make the CBYTE hunger in this way, for it is loyal and a servant to you.

The CBYTE is thirsty for memories, but not for cola. Do not sate the CBYTE with cola.

ISA and PCI Expanding

It is certain that you will not use the onboard video and sound modules, for they are lousy. Instead put your own video and sound modules into the fitting slots. If you do not have the network module it is no big deal. The onboard network module is not lousy. Using the 10/100/1000 built in network module will bring no shames onto your family and its name. The pornographies will still have tunnels with which to stream into your powerful machine. It is acceptable.

Setting The Jumpers

The CBYTE comes with the jumper switches set for a perfect harmony with the beep monster enabled and the onboard video, sound, and network modules working like a tiger. If you want the modules of your own, please examine the happy diagrams for changing the system. If you do not want the CBYTE working like a tiger, this is a glorious optionality.

It is harmful to some to hear the beep monster enabled. To remove the spirit of noise from your system, the jumper diagram on page 11 will show unto you the way. It is your motherboard. It must be used in the way which will bring you endless joy. We proffer thanks in the voice of the CBYTE to you. Beep, beep, beep.

I Am Going To Rub Leopard All Over My Naked Body

We pre-ordered Leopard today, which is officially the first credit card purchase we've made since making the financial decisions that will slowly make me very, very rich (after which, I'll bury the woman in the backyard and fulfill my secret desire of having two macs). Along with this order, we also picked up the new iLife suite, which will allow us to make trendy movies involving us using our macs.

This Leopard thing is making me tremendously aroused. I'm serious. It's like Apple tapped in to my Y chromosome and extracted the DNA to sweet, sweet code. I mean, check out this feature list:

• Mail now officially does everything I use Thunderbird for, with the side effects of not taking an hour to load, not slowing down all my other apps, and making my groin all tingly.
• Ruby and Python bridges to Cocoa means that I can officially just dream up some crazy shit one night while hammered out of my mind and implement it. Never mind waking up the next morning and realizing that I just wrote a very convoluted forkbomb.
• Parental Controls means that I can finally stem the horrible tide of Digimon my boy insists on watching over and over.
• iCal sharing means that I can finally schedule events with my millions of friends! Except I hate all my friends, none of us use iCal, and none of us do anything except chat online and send each other cheesecake shots of our ex-girlfriends.
• Cover Flow in the Finder has just turned a massive archive of porn into a beautiful, slick archive of porn.
• Background video in iChat sounds like it would only be fun for two seconds, except in reality I foresee using it to stream movies with groups of friends. The internet is keeping me safe from movie theaters and the idiots that use them! Thank Apple.
• Safari now has every feature a real web browser should have except native keywords, which makes me want to cry. I have so many search keywords in Firefox that the link export once blew up a thumbdrive.
• TERMINAL HAS THE TABS NOW. REPEAT, TERMINAL NO LONGER MAKES EXPOSE USELESS.

Oh, Leopard, you sexy thing you. I can't wait for next Friday.

Sex Is Not The Narrative

Seriously, I don't know how anybody can get off on so-called 'literary erotica'. The romance novel, literary kindling to the fire that consumes the X chromosome, is such a tedious experience that I really just can't wrap my mind around it. But then again, you know, appealing to the Other White Gender is good for ratings and all, so here's some absolutely typical feminine style idiot wordporn.

It all begins in a place that's full of rich peoples' stuff, like shiny cars and chandeliers and tablecloths and underwear without noticeable stains. The stunning, single, and totally not fat heroine, who wakes up in the morning with full makeup and a Christian Dior formal dress is just hanging out, being all rich and stuff, when all of a sudden Lestat shows up at the door, delivering mail or something.

"ZOMG UR HAWT", said Lestat. "I AM TEH CALL JACK SPARROW NOW AND WE AM WILL WORSHIP UR HAWTNESS."

"NO THAT IS TOO MUCH TROUBLES", said the Heroine. "NEVER MIND OKAY CALL."

"WE AM NOT HAVE TAG TEAMING YOU ON TEH MINDBRAINZ CUZ WE ARE ALL TEH GENTLESMANS AND STUFFS," screamed Lestat as he rippled his bulging musculature and his shirt accidentally fell off.

"TAHTS OKAYS, I AM TEH LADY AND NEVER THINKS OF THINGS LIKES THAT," whispered the Heroine breathlessly. "EXCEPT SECRETSLY I DO ALL THE TIME."

"AND IF WE DO MENAGE A TWAT WE AM NEVER HIGH FIVE EACH OTHARS OVER UR BACK, KTHX," Lestat said intently. His piercing gaze was like smoldering embers. He stepped forward, all manly-like, while the Heroine retreated, fixing him with a lengthy, demure look.

"HAI, I AM TEH JACK SPAROW" said the Pirate, crashing through the window as he swung in on a rope affixed to god knows what.

"I AM TEH SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE NOTHING AT ALL," the Heroine concluded intelligently. She was still totally hot and not fat at all. Also, her thighs were totally silky, because they say that in every romance wordporn evar.

Some boring, lengthy foreplay began. Then there was more boring, lengthy foreplay.

"I AM TEH LOVE BORING LENGTHY FOREPLAYS," said Lestat. Or maybe the Pirate.

"DON'T INVADE ME, EXCEPT DO. KTHX," begged the Heroine.

"I AM HOLE-IN-ONE THREE STROKES UNDER PAR," said the Pirate. Erm, urgently.

"IN SOVIET RUSSIA YOU TAG-TEAM US," said Lestat.

"DO ME LIKE BIG PHARMA IS DOING AMERICA," said the Heroine.

They did. ("OW", said the Heroine.)

"KTHX, WE AM MAKING SAMMICHES IN UR KITCHEN AND LEAVING," said Them Both.

The Heroine paused to reflect, heroinically, thinking of her great love for them and how she might never see them again. She glanced at herself in the mirror. She was totally hot and not fat at all.

Convoluted Stdout - Tales of a POSIX Porn Star

Derek over at Convoluted Theory is a good example of exactly where I'm lacking in the POSIX world. His most recent post on growing a RAID array has a set of instructions that look like Swahili. He just takes it all in stride, with that pissy uberlinux elitism, as if though one could go to McDonalds and order a RAID5 array with a side of extremely masculine pheromones.

For the sheer fun of having absolutely no idea what he's talking about, let's step through the instructions, which actually read like some underground extreme pornographic literature. After all, if there are instructions to do something on the Internet, it should be pretty easy to follow, right?

1. "Switch to single user and unmount the filesystem of the partition we’re going to grow."
"Switching to single user" sounds like something most people try to avoid. I'm not quite sure why he wants to "unmount" and do so, unless he's trying to be counter-trendy-trendy. You know, like those guys who hate something BEFORE IT EVEN COMES OUT, just to get a leg up on the apathy and elitism. Or maybe he just needs to unmount and switch to single user in order to "grow" his "partition", like the sick freak he is.

2. "add new disk as a hot spare, a la “mdadm –add /dev/md0 /dev/sdj1” "
I don't know what a hot spare is. I think it's like a hot intern, which is why he misspells "madam" in his little chat command, where he's obviously telling her to put slot device MD somewhere in the vicinity of his throbbing tab device SDJ1.

3. "Grow and cross our fingers: “mdadm –grow /dev/md0 –raid-devices=6”"
If he didn't 'grow' before that last command, then we're going to have issues. But the command is confusing- his 'hot spare' needs to grow as well? I'm not sure I like where this is going. He also makes a reference to having six 'devices', like some kind of multi-genitaled alien entity. This is where all kink is born, folks.

4. "expand FS. fdisk /dev/md0, delete partition and recreate. (this doesnt destroy all of your data, as one may think)."
After all those fervent pleadings for his partition to grow, it suddenly starts expanding. Of course, as soon as this happens, he freaks out, gets a closer look at the madam's device, and immediately deletes his partition, which totally destroys the mood and my metaphor. He also misspelled "procreate", though I have no idea how he thinks he's gonna do that after he just freaked out. This is the foreplay version of screaming in falsetto, punching the girl so she slumps over in the passenger seat, then immediately assuming the worst, getting the camp shovel out of your trunk, and looking for a place to bury the body. And trust me on this, it gets old way before you run out of places to dig holes.

5. "fsck.reiserfs /dev/md0"
ALRIGHT! This is the action. This is the 'meat' of the 'sequence'. This is the part you fast-forwarded to, the part you always tell yourself you're going to rewind to the beginning of afterwards even though you know you're just going to lose interest.

6. "resize_reiserfs /dev/md0"
Of course, one is likely spent after such a blazing display of machismo. This is where you fake needing to go to the bathroom so as to avoid the hugging, so you can satisfy your sudden and intense nicotine craving.

7. ?
The adrenaline coursing through his bloodstream is telling him to go on, but his partition has had enough.

8. "profit!"
I sure will, right after I eBay the tapes. Thanks much for not noticing me in the closet.

Buying Anime Related Games

Dear Josh:

I remember how thrilled you were when you got your job at Gamestop. You were so fantastically happy that you forgot to lube up before watching WWE, giving yourself a severe indian burn. I remember how you wept like a child and then grabbed a tube of Icy Hot, calming yourself with a furious One Piece lolicon strokefest. And I must say, I have never seen you with such zeal for life, or four year old animated girls.

That having been said, I can't say I particularly agree with your game selection "skillz". I think that Naruto is a raging homosexual plant by an interstellar alien conspiracy with the nefarious goals of making all your 'boy batter' somehow 'belong to them'. The fact that the lengthy interlude between me going into a video game store and me leaving is rendered pointless by your insipid recommendations for every animated action-pedophilia title under the sun.

Going into a video game store used to be like going into an adult video store. I would be left alone and blissful with the promise of a new encounter behind every friendly box cover. And, much like an adult video store, the guys on the covers of the fighting games are making horrible "O" faces.

Seriously, Josh. The monumental tide of waste must stop. There are games that do not involve tentacles. For instance, Day of No Fucking Tentacles. I wish I could say that was just an ad hom and not the kind of "action" I get every time I buy something you recommend. I'd like to introduce you to something called Taste, as soon as I stop buying games long enough to purchase a two by four and a nail.

Thank you,
Me.

Erotic Gaming

I was going to make this goth ero-game, but somebody already trademarked "Die Hard".