New Hire

An old friend, Jewmy, just got hired here on my recommendation, so I've been busy training him. Now, Jewmy has the worst. luck. ever. It's a historical fact with plenty of proof- the more amazing my life is, the more horrible his is.

So, of course, the day he gets hired is the day two other people are joining the company, and so he becomes the first person in Tech to get the day-long 'non-tech' orientation. It's horrible. We design and build the website, and can fathom what it does from a quick glance at a paragraph of code, while on the other hand he is forced to learn how to navigate through pages he'll have the godlike power of changing, at his whim. This is what we do, people. We are your programmers, your web developers, your system admins, your techs. We know where all the pictures are on your hard drive. Your limits are not our limits. And your porn, frankly, is disgusting.

On The Shoulders Of Giants

Did you see the final primary speeches? Because I did.

Obama wins huge. This isn't surprising, because his opponents Clinton and McCain made a fundamental flaw, in believing their opponent was a mere mortal.

He's not. He's a legend.

Now, Kennedy was a legend. So was FDR, and Hitler, and Nixon, and Reagan. People don't expect to be competing against a legend, and as we see from the examples provided, legends don't always do the best for their country. On the other hand, the thing we do know about legends is that they always get elected.

Obama's speech tonight was luminary. He's a legendary wordsmith, second only to me and Shakespeare (in that order). Where Hillary tried to hold on to a shattered dream, Obama pretty much gave unending thanks to her service as his opponent. And war hero McCain, who certainly deserves our eternal gratitude for his seven years of service as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, stuck to an outlined list of differences between him and his Democratic opponent. As if though he could stand on outdated conservative principles. It pretty much depends on the education of Voting America, which has proven (especially in Florida) to be disappointing at every turn.

Let me tell you what I know: Obama stands poised to be either a great benefit or a great failure to the American people. No matter what, he will be great. And although I hate the concept of shilling for anyone, I can tell you that in November, barring catastrophe, he has my vote.

Honor Student Bumper Sticker? Your Kung Fu Is Weak

So, my illegitimate son through marriage is turning six this weekend, which means that he'll be the age where I have to be violently competitive with other parents in defining exactly how much awesomer my spawn is than theirs. Because I am a master wordsmith who invents words all the time that people immediately put in the dictionary, this will be easier for me than for any other parent, ever, and so I plan to win every competition with a massive point spread.

Once I was emailing a picture of him to his grandparents (the ones that aren't my parents, because those ones are extinct) and I accidentally sent his picture to every modeling agency ever, who immediately messaged me back and said that not only would they love to have more pictures of him forever on every magazine on the planet, but that they would immediately send all their other child models to Ethiopia and force them to grow substandard rice on dirt farms unto the fourth generation while making Nikes. They also warned me not to eat any rice or wear sneakers, ever. 

It was kind of a weird coincidence that every single letter I got back pretty much said the same exact thing, but I'm used to strange coincidences ever since this miracle baby fell out of my wife's vagina, and then a shower of gold coins came out immediately afterwards. What a wonderful experience birth is, when you're checking the market value of gold as the OB/GYN discovers that your newborn son urinates twenty year old single-malt scotch and poops Cuban cigars. That part turned out to be pretty beneficial, because I sort of forgot to buy cigars, or that my wife was going to have a baby, or that I had a wife. The only reason I happened to be in the same hospital at all is because I happened to be in the next room getting a consult as to whether or not I needed to get a penis reduction (answer: not if you don't walk funny). Things just turn out that way sometimes.

An Ode To Rockstar Energy Drink

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

One of these days, I'm going to go to Sam's Club

And buy a whole bunch of Rockstar

And set the cans around my desk

To drink, whenever I choose.

I will be like a Rockstar pimp.

Surrounded by my cadre of sleek black metal hos.

OMG OMG OMG,

Just a few minutes ago

I felt like absolute crap.

Then I drank this horrible tasting liquid abortion

And now I feel seventy thousand feet tall

And capable of pleasuring an army of robot strippers

With lasers.

WTF WTF WTF,

I hate this stupid drink.

It only lasts for like fifteen minutes.

And now I feel hopeless, wan, and empty,

Like this empty can,

That cost me four fucking dollars.

The Liars Are Out En Masse

Derek is posting up a storm, if you live in some bizarro universe where "storm" means "a couple drops of rain". Luckily, that's exactly what 'storm' means here in Vegas.

He seems to be intent on feeding massive lies to the common consumer, so I have to take it upon myself as someone who knows the truth to inform everyone about the massive web of disinformation he's passing out. Let's see if we can clear up all the mistruths so that everybody can go back to minding their own business.

Lie #1: He Visited Kentucky

This is total nonsense. Derek is afraid of string ties. He once called me from a Halloween party where somebody had dressed up like the evil priest guy from The Gunslinger. He was in a closet, peeking out at the guy through the crack in the door, crying into a bra some chick gave him literally two seconds after he arrived (I don't know how he does this but I suspect he carries Rohypnol). There is no way he'd ever visit Kentucky, even though the company he works for has a massive building there, because he would have freaked out. I once ordered KFC and he had a grand mal seizure as soon as he smelled 10 out of the 11 herbs and spices.

Lie #2: He Reads Fiction

Yet another horrible lie. If you ever walk into his house, you'll notice a few things: first, that he keeps girl scouts in his garage; and second, that the only fictional books in his house are those New Ager books by guys named Rajesh that tell you to do things like "focus your chakra" and "visualize your chi". I have a vague suspicion that these books are actually literary pornography. I mean, I remember the last time I focused my chakra, and it was in this bar where you had to do it up against the door in the bathroom because there aren't any doorknobs.

Knowing this, it's bizarre that he would give you details that are the exact opposite of anything he would do ever. Trust me, the only "teen fiction" he knows anything about is listening to little girls tell him they're past the age of consent. On the other hand, he would totally read a book about antimatter, because this one time I didn't see him leave his bedroom for a week, and when I got bored and accidentally burst in I saw him building something I swear was an android version of Maya Angelou. I couldn't be sure, though, because I only got a glimpse before he threw a handful of moths at me, and that night I had a dream about a giant rabbit that eats skyscrapers.

Lie #3: Up Up Down Down B A B A Select Start

Derek would never have memorized the Konami code with the select button. Using the select button means you're going to play two player. Derek grew up in total isolation in a sensory deprivation tank while being fed nothing but royal jellybeans by an order of blind monks.

Lie #4: ZFS Is The Greatest Thing Ever

ZFS "will" be the greatest thing ever. Like, when today's cutting edge disk access technologies become the mainstream disk access technologies. Way too many people have drives way too pathetic to handle the mighty powers of ZFS. If you don't know what ZFS is, let me tell you that it's basically having a horde of tiny Ron Jeremy clones in your hard drive, taking care of it in that way that only scary porn stars can.

Now that we've uncovered the thread of blatant falsehoods, it's pretty darn obvious that he's telling you all of this because he wants you to think he's got something in common with you, the book-reading, Kentucky-loving, two-player-Contra-gaming, non-ZFS-knowing pink American everyman. And the reason he wants to do this, I suspect, has something to do with the pill bottle clinking in his pocket.

(trackback)

Anti-Apple Propaganda

PC: It's been scientifically proven that by buying Apple, you are buying into a cultish ideology that's dramatically more expensive than a PC. And nobody cares enough to send you virii anyways. And I have like twenty times more games than you. And if you didn't pay for that expensive computer, you could have bought like two PCs.
iFan: Hold on, I've got rebuffs for those arguments here and here...
PC: You expect me to read that fanboy drivel?
PC: Hold on, brb
* Quits (PC: No route to host)

Pro-Apple Propaganda

iDrone: I am a master of debunksmanship, cruising mightily across the internet and quelling the drones of MicroSlave bloggers.
iDrone: And Steve Jobs is a snappy dresser.
iDrone: And everybody who thinks otherwise is a PC-using idiot whose computer spams urls to kiddie porn without their knowledge.

FunGrrl69: Why are you telling this to me?