Sure, The Beautiful People Get To Starve

I am so horribly addicted to Hell's Kitchen it's not even funny. Well, it is funny. It's fucking hilarious. It combines two of my favorite things in life: cooking, and hatred.

I could give a shit less whether Gordon Ramsay is a good cook, because he's a totally awesome drill sergeant. He's like R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket, and all of his cooking apprentice game-show slaves are like the guy who commits suicide in the bathroom. I know it's basically The Apprentice meets Iron Chef, but the screaming! Oh, the screaming. Kurt Cobain wishes he had Ramsay's talent.

So, apparently, you get to go to Hell's Kitchen (and not even eat, if Ramsay shuts down the kitchen) by invitation only. It figures that once and one time only in my life I have a small reason to be jealous of the beautiful people. Of course, they play a role I couldn't do anyways- they actually start bitching when they've gone without food for an hour, like they didn't know that they might not get to eat. It's just a big show, people. Treat it like a third date and get a little something before you go to the main event. (If it actually is a third date, well, you'll probably need some skills to eat and masturbate at the same time).

Of course, I know nothing about how the rich pretties live. For all I know, Hell's Kitchen invites might just be a huge prank they play on each other. Oh, fa-ra-ra, I totally got you with those shitass dinner invites. I bet you didn't eat anything all night. Lucky bastards.

Roommates and Buddy's Totally Awesome Window Adventure

Do you see this? It's a totally awesome pot plant my ghetto roommates put RIGHT UP IN THE WINDOW WHERE EVERYBODY CAN SEE. I told them to take it out of the window yesterday, when we first found it, but it's still there. Because it's totally awesome, and therefore it has more right to be in the house than me, a completely legal immigrant from Seattle.

Why does the pot plant mock me? It's probably because, unlike all other drugs, I really hate pot. It smells disgusting and it gives me headaches. If I were Godzilla, I would lay waste to marijuana plantations with my mighty radioactive dinosaur urine, which probably kills pot.

Sweet mother of chlamydia, it's STILL THERE! I live in a nice neighborhood. Why must my roommates torture me by not moving their disgusting fishtank full of sweet reefer? Maybe nobody heard me when I complained about there being a TOTALLY FUCKING ILLEGAL PLANT sitting out in street view from the second story of my newly ghettofied, tricked-out, two story house, which is now kind of like a trailer that has a foundation!

I'm pretty sure that the Dutch invented marijuana, way back in prehistoric times, when people were just chilling out in caves and smoking whatever they found on the ground. I think it's the Dutch because the Dutch are totally fucking chill. My roommates aren't Dutch. I think they may be botanists though.

Stay tuned for more news about THE POT PLANT THAT WOULD NOT GET REMOVED, EVEN THOUGH I AM GOING TO KILL MY ROOMMATES WITH A GUN THAT SHOOTS GODZILLAS.

Search Terms That Hit Home

I have always, always wanted to do this, ever since the interweb was a tiny thing and I was a fanciful little girl. Here goes:

how to text dirty
Erm... think dirty things. Then text them to someone. Need help? Try "I would appreciate the opportunity to get carnal with your sister/mother/significant other". Note the rhyming of 'mother' and 'other'. The rhyming is key, for it lulls them into a false sense of security.

how to kill yourself with tylenol
Please pay close attention: you can't use normal Tylenol. You have to use Tylenol IVs. The IV stands for "Star Trek IV".

mcrib
God bless the McRib.

tag teaming sex
I bet this guy was really disappointed. Either that, or really... satisfied.

"hot women" realtor
This is a pretty specific fetish. "Let me show you the house"... I can see where someone might get off on that one.

"pills to overdose on" suicide
TYLENOL. FOUR.

"he looks all strange"
I am so touched.

ambien fuck
It's called, "Not remembering exactly what happened but saying it was great anyways".

are moths scary
moths are seriously scary and they want to fly in your ears to lay their eggs so as to become legion. Their fur points backwards so you can never, ever pull them out.

fantastic simile
I can totally help with this. Try the following gems:

• The bomb went off. The explosion was like the muffled boom when Charles Le Gros detonated in his coffin.
• She was huge. Like a midget giant that weighed the same as a normal giant.
• The ants came swarming in, like your mom comes swarming in whenever I put out the ho food. (Ooh! Burn!)

guide to fuck in vegas
Erm... most women who live here feel they need to compete with the strippers, even though the strippers are all either whores or pregnant college girls. You can pretty much get whatever you want as long as you carry a few bennies in your wallet and don't have very high standards.

how to kill yourself with an oven

1. Drop it on yourself
2. Put it on broil and climb in
3. Climb in, then seal it airtight and suffocate yourself
4. Offer a hitman an oven if he'll shoot you
5. Paint it gold, then huff the leftover paint
6. Fill it full of Tylenol IV, then eat all the pills out of it until your body stops working

fucking on lunesta
Even worse than Ambien.

its 6 am and i'm all messed up
This came from my IP, so theoretically, it could have been any girl stupid enough to go to a bar with me while I had all the Ambien and Lunesta in reserve.

miget elvis impersonators
First of all, it's "midget", capisce? Second, midget Elvis isn't an impersonator. Midget Elvis is a lifestyle.

mr. belvedere sex slang
...I think I'm actually speechless.

my personal album asian girl
If you really want asian girls, try Disneyland. There's so much samurai skank there you can pretty much spend all day catching up on your ninja nookie on the Pinocchio ride (nobody would even notice. That ride is seriously creepy).

Troubleshooting Your Fascist State

Situation: Not enough labor to build palatial estate; streets empty.

Problem: Too many citizens killed in your insane rise to power.

Solution: Legalize gambling, drugs, and prostitution; grant visas to all comers; become tax haven. Wait.

Situation: Fewer reports of insurrection than usual; citizens gather illegally after dark.

Problem: Potential rebel uprising; revolution.

Solution: Hire stunt double; create paid competing rebel group to artificially attempt to oust you just to be 'beaten back' by your army in order to spread your totally awesome climate of hopelessness and fear. Read Orwell.

Situation: Stomachaches; sorrow; penitence.

Problem: Guilt.

Solution: Waste country's money on shameless hedonism. When guilt comes back, buy case of Château Pétrus. Repeat with increasingly more expensive items until country economy lapses.

Situation: Less money than usual; your image frequently on television.

Problem: Threats of foreign invasion, US Embargo, or UN Sanctions.

Solution: Start the ethnic cleansing while you can. Plan escape scenario. Alternatively, begin building McDonalds everywhere until you are considered a harmless American territory.

Situation: Abundance of overweight Americans in flowered shirts and bikinis.

Problem: Your country has become a tourist destination.

Solution: Begin requiring permits for all potential tourist activities, sold at customs. Overcharge heavily.

Situation: Republic suddenly fascist state with no warning.

Problem: Accidental passing of PATRIOT Act.

Solution: Think over next vote carefully.

Situation: Entire population consists of nymphomaniac supermodels.

Problem: Totalitarian state is actually daydream.

Solution: Die a little inside, surf internet for pornography.

Review: Agile Web Development With Rails, Second Edition

Agile Web Development With Rails is a book about programming Rails, which is a web framework written in Ruby, which is the language that octopuses would write freaking sweet video games in all the time if they weren't so busy eating sharks. Ruby on Rails came from the Basecamp project written by David Heinemeier Hansson, who is very loud and kind of annoying but it's okay because he wrote Rails.

Ruby As A Language

If you've ever written anything in Ruby then you already know that it's impossible to stop programming after you start. Soon you're inventing dumb, complex projects just because Ruby translates thoughts to programming so incredibly well that you can't help yourself. I have written strange, unspeakable magicks in Ruby that I'm pretty sure you have to be a twentieth-level wizard to cast. I can cast them because I cheat on my rolls.

The Book Itself

When I got in my car to come home from work tonight, suddenly this gigantic moth started buzzing around inside my windshield. At least, I think it was a moth. From the size of it, it might have been a small dragon. 

Immediately, I screamed like a girl and rolled down all my windows and tried to get it to get out of my car by begging and swerving my car around. I'm pretty sure everyone who saw me leaving the parking lot just thought I was a badass driver because I'm all asian and I drive a Nissan, but really I was just trying to keep the moth from flying in my ears and laying its eggs in me. It's really hard to drive when you have your hands over your ears, but I managed to make it to a parking lot a few buildings down. Then, I looked for a book to smash it with.

Learning Perl 5 (Revised Edition) could have wasted the moth, but it's seriously like six inches thick and my arms are too girly to pick it up. Ajax on Rails is a smaller book and I could have gotten it down into the corner where my windshield and dashboard meet, but I didn't have it in the car, because seriously, who tries to do something in Ajax and pulls out a book? People just go to the website for prototype.js and read that stuff there. I don't even know why I own that book.

Luckily, David Heinemeier Hansson's fantastic book was there. I didn't want to sit in my car in the parking lot while everybody drove past me, so I just kept swerving down the road and launching the Rails book at my windshield trying to get the moth. For a while, I kept missing and I thought it was going to fly in my ears while I was holding the book, but eventually I got a lucky splat and killed it and gained a billion experience. The cover is so shiny that the moth just fell off onto the passenger seat, so I left it there to scare girls away. I was so excited that I forgot about driving over to Fancy's to inject blendered girl scouts into my femoral artery, like I was going to do, and instead just thought about Rails all the way home.

The Pretty Cover

AWDwR(SE) has a very pretty cover, with a skateboarder doing a totally awesome rail slide in blurry motion. The skateboarder represents Web 2.0. In the bottom left corner is a really neat little icon that says "Rails" underneath a picture of an octopus's engorged tentacle. This represents the octopus-like versatility of Rails.

In the bottom right hand corner, there are the names of the people who wrote the book, which includes the guy who invented Wendy's and David Heinemeier Hansson, who has a very long middle name.

The Words Inside

I mostly have this book for reference, because I already know how to write things in Rails. However, having had the last edition of this book (which is called AWDwR(FE)), I was surprised that Rails now has RJS, which is a way to code Javascript without looking as stupid as you would by actually writing things in Javascript. I find this has tremendous value even if I never ever code anything in RJS, because it gives me more reasons to tell people why Rails is important and good.

At work, we use a framework called creovel, which is kind of like Rails' retarded younger brother who owns a Vincent Black Shadow and always beats him in races. (Rails drives a Vespa.) Creovel is a very good framework for not having to wait for another Ice Age for your page to come up, which is what happens if you use Rails. Also, I had to say something good about creovel because all my bosses wrote it and they could potentially form some kind of Boss Voltron and beat me up.

Final Score

David Heinemeier Hansson   8.6/10

Ruby 11/10

Octopus Logo 14/3.14159265358979323846 (yes i know this by heart i win)

Creovel f(n)

Moth Killing Powers 46/52

Total Score: Eleventy Billion

Mediocre Uses For Super Powers And The Total Power Trip I'd Still Be Getting

Flight

• I would get my New York cheesecakes from New York, my Philly cheesesteaks from Philadelphia, and my turkey from Turkey. Assuming that they have any turkeys there.
• If I could fly in a sitting-down position, I'd pretend I was driving an invisible car whenever I needed to go anywhere. I bet people would get a big kick out of me looking like I was gonna crash into them, then flying over their car.
• I would never use my front door. With the ability to fly up to my office, that gives me more opportunities for using razor wire and turrets as lawn decorations.

Poison Immunity

• The best drinking contest ever. I can imagine sending like six frat boys to the hospital with cirrhosis.
• Beehive soccer. Of course, that would only work if I had pain immunity or steel skin or something like that.
• Look, customs - no balloon! HA!

Energy Blast

• I would be an exterminator. For target practice.
• If Einsteinian calculations remain true, then energy blasts are a totally awesome way to lose weight while impressing the neighbors.
• I'd finally get one over on those sneaky carnies. BAM! I got your pyramid of bottles right here (motions to floor, sings Na Na Na Na, etc).
• I'd get rid of my microwave so I could have more counter space. No, seriously. That would be awesome.

Telepathy

• Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament champion, baby.
• I could also get rid of my telephone/instant messaging client.
• I could shop used car lots WITHOUT FEAR! BAHAHAHA!
• What's that you say, Miss Cleo? Nothing!? Well, I've got something I foresee in YOUR future. Prepare to receive some absurdist and/or disturbing mental imagery. For the next six hours. HA!

Teleportation

• Hide and seek/peek-a-boo with children would be totally awesome. Plus, I'd probably completely screw up their developmental perception of reality.
• Teleporting out of my clothes now officially the hottest thing ever.
• "Dude, didn't I just meet you down the hallway? That is like, the weirdest thing ever..."
• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together. Like this. Wait, let me try that again, I meant to keep my clothes on. Where are you going?

X-Ray Vision

• ZAP. Aw, did I give you radiation poisoning?
• Witness, as I tally the refractive index of diffusion through an atomic crystalline lattice! I can see DNA! Does it not amaze you?
• Being able to see that I am about to run out of cheese dip without opening the fridge.

Breaking News: PSYOP Gives Me Seizures, Nightmares, Priapism

While there are times when I am unhappy with the way things are going, I am nevertheless almost jingoistically proud to be an American. From the Founding Fathers to the rise of American Capitalism, our country is so full of fantastic innovations and moral triumphs that I can't help but get all weepy at the patriotic hymns.

Sometimes, you don't want to be all weepy. There are moments for pensive reflection and there are moments when you want to be ten thousand feet tall, monstrously aroused, and capable of beating people up by hitting them with other people. And when you want that kind of sensation to be derived from your home country's status as the globally dominant superpower, you need look no further than PSYOP, our psychological warfare branch.

Recent events being too, well, recent to speak out about, let us make absolutely sure that one thing is clear - even when we are horribly wrong about something, we will still scare the shit out of someone. During the Vietnam War, we thought the Vietnamese were superstitious about the symbol of the spade - so we mass produced the Ace of Spades, jammed them in the mouths of assassinated Viet Cong leaders, and left them en masse all over the forests. Mission accomplished. I bet they're scared to death of the thing now.

We're big on the sound thing - we put loudspeakers on humvees and scream insults at our opponents. I should have enrolled, I swear. One of the things I can do well is improvise horrible scathing insults for long periods of time. After school one day, on the bus ride home, I vented my mild annoyance at the kid in the seat behind me for the entire half hour ride without even stopping to breathe. He was so outclassed he literally applauded me after the fact.

Intersperse those bombing runs with big, confusing fireworks. Airdrop pamphlets showing people exactly how to bend over for Uncle Sam. Right after we start a police action in a country, I think the very first thing we should do is build a McDonalds restaurant right at the point of landing. It's like Plymouth Rock, except you can supersize it.

I need to go be alone with Old Glory for a bit.

You Have A Problem

Dear Josh's Girlfriend's Ex-Husband:

You have a problem. Nobody buys $200 blocks of cable pornography for single-serving consumption. At least you had the decency to try to blame it on your children, which shows signs of healthy brain usage.

Seriously, though. I can't imagine the kind of manual dexterity endurance session that must have taken. You must be built like a fucking auto detailer. Do people shy away in aversion from your one massive Popeye arm? Did you put an anchor tattoo on it? Did you give it a girl's name?

Josh: I'm sorry for your loss, and the fact that you're stuck on DSL because you can't afford to pay off the bill so you can afford real internet. You really shouldn't let ex-anythings onto your property unless you're packing a shotgun. Trust me on this. Nothing smells better than sawed-off in the morning, and nothing gets the testosterone flowing like threatening someone who could probably kick your ass with a hefty firearm. That is, unless you're the kind of person who needs a decathlon of shitty cable porn to rub off some crotchfruit.

Also, I suggest you buy a black light. And don't let your kids eat anything that's dropped on the floor. If the carpet sticks to your heel when you walk over to change the channel, that's the sign that there's some rancid man-batter somewhere nearby. Touching you. I'll let that sink in for a bit.

Okay. So, in conclusion, do not skimp on renting a carpet steam cleaner. Because there is another man's angel-food cake mix somewhere in your cruddy shag. Imagine the blob. Imagine it growing and consuming everything it touches. This should be triggering your primal retch reflexes right now. Nobody wants to think about some guy's tapioca in the space they have laid claim to. Fucking clean your carpet. And your couch. And if you have a dog, clean that too.

Wear gloves,
Me.

Mail Order Bride

Last time I tried to get one, they forgot to poke air holes in the box. I returned her and got a refund; she didn't taste anything like they said she would.