Sure, The Beautiful People Get To Starve

I am so horribly addicted to Hell's Kitchen it's not even funny. Well, it is funny. It's fucking hilarious. It combines two of my favorite things in life: cooking, and hatred.

I could give a shit less whether Gordon Ramsay is a good cook, because he's a totally awesome drill sergeant. He's like R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket, and all of his cooking apprentice game-show slaves are like the guy who commits suicide in the bathroom. I know it's basically The Apprentice meets Iron Chef, but the screaming! Oh, the screaming. Kurt Cobain wishes he had Ramsay's talent.

So, apparently, you get to go to Hell's Kitchen (and not even eat, if Ramsay shuts down the kitchen) by invitation only. It figures that once and one time only in my life I have a small reason to be jealous of the beautiful people. Of course, they play a role I couldn't do anyways- they actually start bitching when they've gone without food for an hour, like they didn't know that they might not get to eat. It's just a big show, people. Treat it like a third date and get a little something before you go to the main event. (If it actually is a third date, well, you'll probably need some skills to eat and masturbate at the same time).

Of course, I know nothing about how the rich pretties live. For all I know, Hell's Kitchen invites might just be a huge prank they play on each other. Oh, fa-ra-ra, I totally got you with those shitass dinner invites. I bet you didn't eat anything all night. Lucky bastards.

Rejoice, For The McRib Has Returned

I was going to go to Taco Bell and reminisce about the now-nonexistent Club Chalupa, which somehow climbed out of the Taco Bell sewer clad in bacon and sex. However, on the way, I saw that the McRib is back.

They say the McRib is going to die out every year. Wikipedia's McRib page is full of links to such doomsayings. But it always manages to come back, like RoboCop, and kick the asses of various Detroit druglords.

The McRib is my number one excuse to go to McDonalds, which I never visit for any other reason except to pick up hot, desperate Mexican girls. Before you tell me that doesn't happen, realize that given the number of desperate Mexican girls that work fast food it's nearly a statistical impossibility that a calculable fraction of them would not be smoking hot. Do the math.

IHOP buys Applebees

Applebees is where bad people go when they die. It's the Olive Garden scaledown of McDonalds. And now it will be required by corporate policy to have mimosas on the menu.